I was filling out a survey that had been posted on my high school reunion myspace. One of the questions was: What are 3 things about you no one probably knows? As I read the question, 2 things immediately came to mind. I've been raped and I'm a domestic violence survivor. Did I write that - no. Why not? Because I am ashamed. Even though I know the rape was not my fault, I still am ashamed of it. It is not something you can just throw out in conversation, like I got hit by a car. No one is going to think less of you because you got hit by a car, but many people will think differently of you if they know you have been raped, whether it be pity or contempt.
I was raped at a friends house. Someone broke in. I'm not sure how, but the news found out what happened and they filmed the house where it happened. Many of my friend's friends saw it on TV and immediately thought my friend had been raped. She told them it wasn't her and of course they asked who. Why she told them, I still don't know. Personally, if it had been me, I would've said, it's not up to me to tell you, but she did tell them. As a person who is quite private, it was hard dealing with so many people knowing what happened to me but there was nothing I could do about it. Truly, no one who knows treats me different, but I do feel self-conscious. It's like I feel like they are judging me even if they aren't. I think that is what sucks the most for me about being raped - I don't feel like people who know see me anymore, they see a rape victim and I hate that. I feel like people think I should be different - less happy, less outgoing, more timid, more cautious. No one has ever said that but it is in my head and I hate it.
The other thing is, when do you tell someone who doesn't know. I mean this is something life changing that happened to me, but for people who didn't know me then, it's something that normally doesn't come up in conversation but sometimes I want to talk about it but I feel like its just too much but I also feel like I'm hiding it. Not that I'm planning it anytime soon, but what about when I get involved with a new guy since stuff with STBXBF is almost done. When do you tell that person and won't it change who you are in their eyes?
3 comments:
Wow. I wouldn't know how to advise you there. Have you ever attended a support group for rape victims? Perhaps they could help you flesh out some of these questions.
I myself admit that I would expect a rape victim to act a certain way - even though if I logically know that is not true. I know a girl who worked as a conselor at a rape crisis center and I can't imagine how she did it. I always wanted to ask her if she was raped, but didn't know how to go about it. That is just such a personal thing, and I guess she would volunteer the information if she really wanted me to know.
Thanks for stopping by my blog. I have read a bit of your story, and we seem to have some of the same issues with men. Hmmmmmm. I hope you get everything sorted out - it is indeed a learning and growing process getting away from toxic men.
The support group sounds like a good idea. This is something that is beyond getting over during a cup of coffee and a good chat with a friend. This is serious stuff. I mean, it effected you on so many levels...I'd be willing to bet that there are issues there that you won't find til you peel off the first layer of guilt/embarrassment. I think you will find many emotions that need to come to the surface in order for you to feel better about yourself. Could this have anything to do with how you feel yourself as a whole person? I would say yes.
So many people have gone through this and are able to help you understand the steps it requires to get past it. Some people wait 50+ years to get the help they need, and then they find out they could have liked themselves and been confident in themselves for so much more of their lives.
And, for the record, when I meet someone who has had this happen (one particularly close family member is a victim) I don't feel pity, I don't feel contempt...I feel rage at the fact that one individual had the audacity to impose themselves on another in a way that left them humiliated and broken. NO one has that right, and if it wouldn't land me in jail, I'd be out hunting that bastard to run him over. :)
So, not everyone sees you as you see yourself. I'd be willing to guess that maybe no one sees you as you see yourself. I'd bet that the "pity and contempt" you are seeing is really them feeling helpless that they don't know what to do or say to make the situation any better.
Hi again. Just checking out some of your old posts since this is my first visit and am finding more and more similarities. I wasn't raped per say but sexually abused by two family members (a cousin and my father - both long deceased) and also survived domestic abuse. There were a lot of, I don't want to say little beatings because beatings are beatings, but none were really life threatening. The last time he was so crazed though (we were splitting up) that to this day I still know with all my heart that if the neighbors had not called the police, he would have killed me. Because of both of those circumstances, I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have not had panic attacks or flashbacks for years now and I truly believe that the little bit of counseling I finally got about 7 years ago is the reason why I am able to deal with it better now than before. I still think I need more counseling but just like it took me 20 years from the sexual abuse and 10 years from the domestic abuse to get that counseling, I am not at a point where I pick up the phone and set it up.
Post a Comment