Can I just say that I hate women that love being pregnant? It's driving me batty. I hate feeling like I'm carrying around a basketball under my tummy. That I can't bend over. That I can't sleep. That I have indigestion. That the baby seems to think she is engaged in kickboxing match with the inside of mommy. That I look like a beached whale and feel totally un-sexy. Ugggggggggghhhhhhhhhh!

Okay, I feel a little better.

Hard to believe the baby will be here in about 3 months (I think the baby is going to come in October, the due date is Nov 1). I really can't believe I'm having another child. I so wish I had a nanny. NG is getting a new job and he will be leaving the house around 430am and arriving home around 8pm so help with the baby - not so much. : ( Actually the baby thing is not going to be so bad, it's the toddler thing that's going to drive me bonkers. When you have to watch them like a hawk and they need you every 5 seconds. I mean I just finally got to the point where I have time to myself once in a while and now look what I did. I guess I'm a masochist. LOL Maybe all of this negativity will make the reality better (you know expecting all this bad stuff and then it turns out okay - just nod and say yes).

I can't remember if I mentioned that NG got laid off, but he has been staying home with the girls for summer since paying for summer camp plus his unemployment would be almost the same as him working. He has really made a big change for the better in the girls, though it's hard for me to admit. They get along better, eat better, get more exercise and treat me better. Of course that could also be due to the fact that they don't have any influence from their Dad, who knows.

The tech is 99.9% sure I'm having a girl! Poor NG - he's way outnumbered now.

Things are still going well - surprise! But it's only been a year (can you say pessimistic polly three times really fast?) so I'm still a little anxious. I guess after what I've been through, I always will be. We did have our first serious argument not too long ago and he began to get a little out of hand, but I calmly told him that I wasn't talking to him that way and we were discussing something not fighting with an enemy and not to use foul language (he said fuck) to me or raise his voice and neither would I and he calmed right down and we had a civil discussion about our difference of opinion which we really didn't resolve then, but later. What was this contentious discussion about? The girls' eating habits (which they've learned from me shhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!). It's true, the girls don't eat very healthy. We've got little debbie cakes boxes gone in a day and snacking all day long on whatever they want and then when dinner time comes, their not hungry - surprise! They are very picky and won't try anything new and I've just sorta adjusted to the fact that we only have certain things for dinner because they won't eat anything else, or if I did fix something they didn't like, I'd make them spaghettio's or ravioli. Youngest daughter hasn't had any spaghettio's or beefaroni in about 2 months and now she's not having stomach aches all the time or her morning sickness (not really morning sickness but it did seeem like that). Both of them have lost the love handles they had and oldest acne problems seems to be quite reduced. I was quite resistant to this whole new way of eating (i.e. only healthy snacks like fruite and veggies, but they're still not eatin raw veggies yet), one snace between meals and real dinners no fast food but I have to admit the results are positive. Why was I resistant you ask? Well, it was hard to not to give in to the crying/whining about food with the girls, it was also hard for me to cut out all the junk food I ate because I didn't feel right eating it if the girls couldn't have it, plus I know how much I love it and I knew it was hard on the girls because it was hard on me. I mean imagine going from having a snack drawer filled with fudge rounds, fruit rollups, chip bags, honey buns, reece cups to only being allowed to have bananas, grapes, cantelope and kiwi? We have not cut out that stuff all together but we don't keep it in the house, instead we go do DQ and have ice creme, or we had birthday cake on Sunday. I feel like the food police sometimes and it feels weird to me because I never had limits on what I ate as a child. Luckily I was naturally thin and had a metabolism to die for (if only I still did!!!) so it never caused any problems for me, but I can see the results on the girls already. Actually youngest wasn't showing any chunkiness, but she was having stomach problems and bowel movement problems. I realize it is better for them and teaching them healthy eatings habits, but I for some reason, still feel a littel resistant, like it's too strict or something...hard to explain.

This is the rule we came up with. Dinner is dinner - eat it or leave it, but no snacks if you don't eat it. There will always be something they like at dinner (for instance chicken), but no special meals. Snacks are one time between meals and must be healthy (fruit or veggie, peanut butter/graham cracker, granola bar - no chips, little debbie cakes etc.). They are encouraged to try new things but putting a spoonful on their plate and trying it. Oldest is doing fine with this, littlest not too much. It's a struggle and I'm feelin' like the mean mom.

Taken from fusion

8 things I am looking forward to:
1. Going to Florida in June
2. Going to King's Island this weekend
3. The new tv
4. Having the baby (well getting it done, not the actual labor!)
5. Buying baby stuff
6. Coloring my hair after I have the baby
7. Finding out if the baby is a boy or girl
8. Staying home with the baby on maternity leave

8 things I did yesterday:
1. Worked
2. Researched Disney prices
3. Went out to eat
4. Took the girls to gymnastics
5. Confessed to a lie to NG- well a couple since they were all related
6. Emailed my 2nd cousin to check into staying at her place in FL
7. Ate, several times in fact... (copied from Fusion)
8. Straightened my hair

8 things I wish I could do:
1. Be a beach bum
2. Color my hair
3. Be tan
4. Change my daughter's dad into someone worhty of the title
5. Buy a house
6. Get a couple dogs, some cats and a horse, and maybe one of the lop eared bunnies
7. Live on a farm with farm hand to do all the work
8. Sing well

8 shows I watch:
1. Law & Order
2. Rock of Love
3. Intervention
4. American Idol
5. America's Funniest Home Videos
6. Bad Girls
7. Snapped
8. 48 Hours

Where has the time gone??? I can't believe I haven't posted since Easter. Things are still going pretty much along the same lines. I went to XH's parole hearing and appeared privately, he was not granted parole, but he does get another hearing in Dec. The girls went to a cheer comp in Columbus and their team got 2nd. Much fun was had.

We're trying to save money for vacation = very hard. It seems like as soon as we have some extra money something comes up (i.e. new tires, trip out of town), but I think we are going to be able to manage it.

Not much to say really, but I guess that's a good thing! Less angst less posting.

Easter was fabulous. We did the city sponsored hunt and then my friend from work had one at her house. The kids had a great time. My friend is a Martha Stewart clone. I don't know how she does it sometimes, but I'm glad she does. The kids colored eggs, egg hunt, potato sack race, spoon egg race, had a barbeque, jumped on the tramp, played on the swingset, all around just an awesome day. If it had been warmer she would have prolly let them in the hot tub LOL.

It was sort of weird not to have Easter Dinner with family. Of course, I could have made it myself, but not too interested. The girls also didn't go to church. I had asked them earlier in the week so I could get them dresses but neither wanted to go. Oldest is quite anti-dress - sortof reminds me of someone - myself! LOL littlelest loves dresses but for some reason was not interested so no easter dresses. This is the first year they haven't had them. I'm sort of conflicted about the whole church thing. I went to church until I was about 12 every sunday practically with my grandma. The girls have been sporadically. I was starting to go almost every Sunday after littlelest was born, but then when the whole XH/cousin affair thing came out, I quit. I just felt like I was in a fishbowl and everyone was watching me. Prolly all in my mind, but that was the way I felt. I didn't really go for myself, I went for my grandma and the kids. Honestly, I'm not sure what my religious feelings are...I'm pretty confused about the whole thing. For the girls, I just let them choose if they want to go or not. Little goes a lot, Oldest goes some. I don't go.

Does anyone read LawGirl or Daily Musings from my blog list? They just recently when private before I had a chance to say hey, I read you, so if you do can you let them know that I'd like to be added! LOL

On to other things. We have a cheer comp coming up soon and it looks like NG won't get to go because he has to work. : ( When I mentioned this to the girls they were sooooo bummed out. I thought maybe they would be like, cool, it's a girls weekend, but they didn't. I was kinda surprised LOL. However, it's also nice to have my thoughts about how they feel about him confirmed. Oldest almost looked like she was going to boohoo. So sweet.

Of course, I am also having some unexpected thoughts about this. Most of the time I am completely sure I am in the right with respect to their relationship with their Father. He made his bed and now he can lie in it. He made choices to get where he is and those have also affected his relationships with his daughters. I am in the process of getting documentation from the Visitation Center regarding his sporadic visitation with them as well as reviewing the emails that went back and forth regarding the girls and their activities. The truth is he had ample opportunity to participate but chose not to because he didn't want to put forth the effort. When littlest played soccer, the coach gave him a schedule. He had a schedule for the football games. Did he ever show up, no. When he did have the kids on days they were supposed to participate, he either left early or didn't even bring them. He chose to badger them for information about me when they visited him and fill their heads with emotionally damaging ideas that I loved one more than the other or didn't love them at all and that I was a bad person. For the most part, I have tried to refrain from speaking poorly about their Father, but I have had lapses here and there. It's hard to be positive about someone who damaged me like he did, but I have tried. They are not dumb, and when they ask me questions about their Dad, to lie or hide the truth. I think for a long time, I was letting the fact that he is their Dad make me think that he had the right to them, but the truth is, he doesn't have the emotional maturity to be a Father, he can't even make good decisions for himself so how can he be trusted to make good decisions for them? Not that I'm a paragon of virtue, but I think I am a pretty good mother.

I also get kinda pissed when I think about their (him and his family's) claims that I am not a good mother. I mean what do they base that on? The kids get straight A's, they participate in extracurricular activities, they go to the doctor and dentist regularly, they are clean and well dressed, they have practically every electronic gadget known to the planet, they don't get into trouble at school so they must be pretty well-behaved, they listen for the most part, they are loved, I talk to them everyday about their day and try to make sure that if they are having a problem that they can talk to me about it, I go to school events, they have friends over to spend the night, they have spectacular bday parties, I'm hardly apart from them except for work. I mean what more do they frickin want???? That's what I'd like to say to them. I know exactly what they are going to say too, we don't like the men you choose. The truth is unless he was a candidate for sainthood, they'd never be happy, and maybe not even then! I think in their mind, I should remain single until the girls are old enough to go to college. In fact, that's a belief held by more than just my crazy ex and his family, because of the whole abuse by boyfriends factor that is so prevalent in the news.

I also felt bad the other day because I heard Oldest talking about her grandma (his mother) and how they were best friends and how she slept with her when she visited her dad. I feel bad that she is not getting to see her in a way, but I also think it's best because that woman is a head gamer. I don't trust her at all. No one in my family ever really liked her at all, they thought she was a fake and sorta odd. For some reason, I never saw that until later when I stopped doing what she wanted me to do. Everything is all great and good when you're doing what she wants (whatever that may be), but god help you when you stop. She is a master manipulator and I am afraid of what she could mold oldest into. I feel sorta bad for saying this too, but I'm sorta glad that they aren't making the effort to see the girls because then they can't blame it on me. They never called to ask and therefore IMO, they are at fault. Now, if I said no, then it would be on me, but luckily, I haven't had to do that. I'm sure when the girls are older, they're going to blame it on me and probably lie and say they asked, but the truth is they didn't and that will be enough for me. Even if they do associate with the family when they are older, I'm sure eventually something will happen to show them what kind of people they really are and they will see that I did what I had to do.

Thanks for all the congratulations. It made me feel really good. It helps calm the negative nelly thing I've got goin on. I think the biggest worry I have is if NG and I don't make it, I've got another baby on my own. Truly, I think NG would always be an involved Father even if we weren't together, so what am I worried about? I don't know, I just don't like it. Why am I worried about us not making it? Because I know me, I'm doing the same thing I always do in a relationship, not making waves even when I should because I'm too afraid of conflict. I just want to get along. So, I don't mention when things bother me, I just smooth it over and ignore it until eventually I'm so full of resentment I just want to get out and away forever. What is bothering me you ask? Well, sometimes I feel like I'm doing things I don't want to do (nothing major, but it annoys me nonetheless). Yes I know we don't have any clean blankets/sheets in the house and they need washed, but I just don't feel like friggin' doing it this week! If it bothers you, do it yourself. If you were out yesterday for a couple of hours, why didn't you pick up the friggin' milk, toilet paper and soap? Why is that my responsbility? I'm at work from 8 until 430 and then I have the kids. Yes, I know you leave for work at 2 and don't get home and in bed until about 1245 or 1am. I know you get up at 730 and take the kids to school, but that leaves you 5 hours of kid free time, so really who has more time to do shit? True he does work harder than me, but you chose that profession, not me. Honestly, there is a small evil part of me that can't wait to see if he can really handle having the baby until he leaves for work every day. Yeah, it sounds doable, but honestly, I don't think he'll be able to cope with the responsiblity every day, no day off except Sat and Sun. I mean, I get home from work about 5 pm every day, that leaves about 4 hours with kids. Am I wrong to think that maybe he should have a little more responsbility than me for getting stuff done? As I've said before, it is really nice having a clean house every day with minimal effort, but sometimes I just want to veg out and not do a damn thing and that just doesn't fly in his world. Maybe I should start slipping xanax in his coffee so he can relax a little. His mentality is, he can't relax until everything he knows needs to be done is done, my mentality is, life is short, what is more important enjoying it or making sure all the clothes are washed?

Yesterday evening after I got home, I was thinking about why I haven't posted it on FB and such and I realized it's because I know X and his family use those sites to "spy" on my life. Truthfully, sometimes I think about deleting my profiles because I feel like I'm just asking for it by putting it out there. If it wasn't there, I'd be less out of their thoughts because they wouldn't "see" me or have that inkling in their mind of checking me out. Then, on the other hand, why should I have to hide? Sometimes I wonder why the mother of his first child got off so easy. I mean she did keep him from his child (which was probably pretty smart) and she did prosecute him for non-payment (not that it got any money), and they could care less about her. Probably, if I had moved to Florida, I would've gone the same (she lives out of state), but by staying here I never got that outta sight outta mind thing going on. Truthfully, I think if his Mother would have just stayed out of it, he would have went on his merry way and forgot about me, but with his mom pressing him for visiting with the girls he couldn't forget about me as easily. Now, that I've put him in jail for so long, he'll never forget. That scares me.