I talked to NG about how I was feeling and he said all the right things, but I'm still obessessing about it. Go figure. LOL I also think it worried him a little that we might not "make it", but I really can't help that. I yam what I yam. If I was him, I would probably be annoyed, like wtf is she talking about - what does she want me to do, walk on eggshells? and I don't, I mean he should be able to tell me how he feels without me curling into a fetal ball as if I'm being attacked (I don't really do that, just mentally). It's not like he yells, or says mean things, or hurtful things like XBF - he communicates. Can you tell I'm trying to convince myself that I need to get over it? It's not working BTW, but I'm trying. Mostly it all comes down to the fact that I am living clean. What does living clean mean? That I'm not afraid when someone knocks on the door to open it so they can see how messy the house is, seriously. I'm one of those people who leave stuff lying around instead of putting it away because a)I might use it in the next hour, day, week or b)I start doing something else and "I don't have time" to mess with it right now. I think those are my main two reasons, and my kids have learned this from me. Since we have moved into the new house, we have "changed". As I said before, the girls have picked up on being neater easier, for me, it's something I have to "practice" so it's like a chore, it's not automatic for me like it is for some. I have to think about it so I don't forget. This probably sounds crazy to some people, but I have been this way for many moons. My dad just used to keep my door shut so he couldn't see it (he is a neat freak too) but now I can't do that anymore and it's HARD. Boy, I really have a problem don't I, poor me, I have to be neat. Enough whining about that.

I'm also still dreaming of possiblities. Like taking a job with the UN and moving to a foreign country with the girls. Wouldn't that be an experience for all us. I always think of these experiences I want to have, but never follow through because I'm just too conventional. But, I am thinking about it. No specific job or anything, just a general idea.

No new year plans. NG has to work until 10pm. This will be the first NY I've spent with the girls in about three years so that's good. I think I'm going to get some sparkling cider and plastic champagne glasses. They'd love that!