Well, all my talk about not getting involved right away has went right down the toilet. I know I am being irresponsible, I know I'm going too fast, I know this is a recipe for disaster, I know I'm letting my feelings rule me instead of my head, I know I'm headed for trouble, I know, I know, I know. Do you think that is stopping me? No, it's just giving me a mind fuck beyond all proportions. Falling for someone was a whole lot less complicated when I was 18, now I'm so damn suspicious and everything he says, I hear this little voice in my head saying, "Bullshit". It really ruins the moments. So instead of enjoying being called beautiful, wonderful, etc., I call bullshit all the time. It's getting really depressing.
Like, I read so many blogs about women who leave a bad relationship and then meet a guy and it's all wonderful, then it goes to shit, they break up and then they meet another guy and it's all wonderful blah blah blah and I just can't ever do that. I don't think I can believe in happy ever after anymore - I'm just too jaded. When I read how perfect they are, or how sweet he is, I think to myself, just wait sweetie, he'll show his true colors soon. No offense to anyone, I sorta wish I could be like that, sorta, maybe. I mean I'm happy for them but I just don't have faith anymore.
The fact is, I just don't trust people anymore. I'm "in the box" as The Arbinger Institute would say and I don't want to be out.
So, here I am once again due to my inability to play hard to get. I mean, truthfully, I'm having all those chemical reactions going on and it is intense, but I think that is half my problem, I know it is just a biological reaction. Maybe watching that documentary on the chemistry of love was a bad idea, OR MAYBE we should make teenagers watch it! LOL
Not to mention the feelings I'm having related to XBF. Yes, I know, what the fuck. Well, I really think I did love him and maybe still do, but I know he is bad for me and the girls so I can't go there. Maybe it's just the whole attachment thing after being together for so long I guess, but don't worry, I would never go back. We're done. I did tell him I was seeing someone else - didn't go over too well, but that's not my problem. He says he is still not giving up though, but I know once he moves on, he'll be over it. He just has to find somone to take his mind off of it.
3 comments:
"I'm just too jaded. When I read how perfect they are, or how sweet he is, I think to myself, just wait sweetie, he'll show his true colors soon."
Oh I've been there. It is difficult not to trust your instincts or be able to let go and just go with it. Good luck, sweetie.
My ex girlfriend has done this all her life, and never settled down. I hope she can break the cycle, I sure don't know how though. There's so many jerks out there that just reinforce the issue. Hope you can find the one to help you too Cassie.
If you are expecting guys (or gals) to be jerks you'll find a way to see them in that light. It is no different than wanting to see a jerk as a "good person" and justifying it for a very long time.
Recognizing this fact is one of the first steps in getting beyond it.
Good luck.
Post a Comment