I think I'm just PMSing. Everytime I think I've nailed down something about him that just doesn't work for me, he does something to negate it. I think my main problem is that I'm just looking for something, that I can't believe there is not something wrong with him somehow. After dealing with the crazies for so long, I just keep looking for it.
I was talking to my mom last night about how at night when he comes home from work, I get this big ball of nervous/anxiety even though there is no reason for it and I know where it comes from because I was so used to XH coming home from being out at night and starting a fight with me because he felt guilty about what he was doing. It was always over something mundane or even non-existent, but nonetheless stressful. So, I keep waiting for this to happen with NG. This probably is not making any sense, it's so hard to describe. One night (he works from 3-midnight shift) he came home and I was hard asleep and when he first woke me up, I think I thought he was XH and I was so afraid I almost started crying, until I realized it was NG. This all happened in mere seconds, but the heart pounding fear is overwhelming. XH has really messed me up pretty good I think. It's like because you know this craziness is possible, that you are always looking for signs of it because the person that did it before was able to hide it so well at times that you just think everyone does it.
6 comments:
That makes perfect sense to me. For about two years after my horrid ex and I broke up I'd wake up at four am damn near every night. That was when he used to get home from being out all night too. I am so sorry. It will go away . . . I don't know how it does, but it will. It just takes time. All I can say is take a moment to breathe deeply, recognize you're in a healthy relationship now and no one is going to hurt you. Best of luck.
My hubby and I call this preprogramming. In our previous relationships/marriages, we learned certain responses that automatically come up regardless of what the other person is actually doing/saying. It takes time, patience, and effort on the parts of both people to overcome.
The first step is to recognize what's happening. Then you need to talk to him about it. He knows the crap you've been through, right? Then he should understand.
Good luck.
I'd say more, but the previous comments seem to echo my thoughts pretty well.
I still get nervous about going to shops near my old neighborhood when I know my ex-wife isn't at work. My order of protection expires next week. I'm happy I'm going to be out of town.
Makes good sense, my new GF and I are going through this too, I like the term preprogramming, that's it completely. Just hang in their Cassee, time will help...
I agree that it makes total sense. I know that I still get anxious when I'm in a location that has potential to run into someone I don't want to. Have you talked to XH about this? Perhaps you and he can find something special that can work to help you calm down a bit when he comes home. Like something silly that can help distract you from the past and help you transition to the present. Even if it's something as simple as him saying "Honey, I'm home!" or something like that. Do you know what I mean? Also, for the first part where you've realized that you're looking for something. Just make a Pro and Con list and write it all down. Get it all out and perhaps that will help you. My fiance and I literally laid everything out on the table and talk to each other about things that might bother us. It's helped a lot!
What Blueydmuse said? I second. You are really just echoing what you've experienced in your past relationships and you have to learn to let it go. It's tough, though. I totally sympathize.
Did I ever mention that My Hubby FORCED me to go to therapy because I so would not commit? :)
We're all just a second off of top dead center. Really.
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