Sitting here on the couch doing nothing. Bliss. I am so lazy. Thanks to NG. He cleaned my house and made it more organized - an area I am severely lacking in skills. I try really hard but it seems I am missing that gene that most women have that relates to such things. After it's done, it all makes sense, but I just don't know where to put stuff. It's hard to explain.

NG and I are doing pretty well, but I'm still holding back, though he probably doesn't know that. I want so much to let go of my reserve, but I can't. It's like I just don't believe in love anymore, that it's possible for me. I think other people can have it, but I'm just too neurotic. It's as if I feel like it is easier to be alone than to open myself up to rejection. That the whole thing is just too much trouble. I don't want to be nervous that my messiness is going to get on his nerves eventually even if he says now it won't I know it will and it's like this black cloud hanging over this relationship. Like my laziness, I know I'm lazy and I'm not proud of it, but it doesn't matter when I'm the only one that has to deal with the consequences of it. When you are with someone, then they judge you and I'm just so sick of being judged and found wanting. I guess that is the nub of it, I just feel to deficient to be loved.