Gotta Go My Own Way

2011-07-20T09:38:00.002-04:00

still haven't heard from V so I guess it was just a wild hair he got. Keeping my fingers crossed it stays that way at least until the girls are old enough to handle him for a BD. I can't help but wonder what is going on over there..is he still there living with his stepdad/uncle? Did his mom leave him any money, her car or did everything go to Stepdad and he feels guility like mom did and is going to keep him too?

My mom is finally coming in for a visit - this will be the first time she has seen the baby since she was born. Many people are shocked when I tell them this but that is just the way it is and I have learned to accept it. Now I can tell you when my girls have babies it won't be that way! I need to reassign names, so BabyG is my baby girl at 21 months, LilG is my middle who is 10 and BigG is my oldest at 11 soon to be 12. BabyG is hilarious - she makes my life so much richer with her joy and silliness. They told me at daycare this week a story that cracked me up. BabyG has a binky - at daycare she keeps it in her box until nap time. Yesterday one of the workers told me she was walking by and saw BabyG who saw her at the same time and she took the binky out of her mouth and shoved it back in her box real quick - she was sneaking a suck LOL. Too funny. I think back to when I was a little thrown off when I found out I was pregnant and now I realize that God's plan for us is the right one even if we don't understand it. She has brought more peace, love and joy into all of our lives.

LilG and BigG are growing up so fast - they are such good girls - they make good grades, help me around the house (as long as I make them) and make me proud in public but boy can they drive me and each other crazy. Not having siblings makes it hard for me to understand their constant bickering, bossing, and competing but I do my best. BigG is turning into a teenager at almost 12 - sometimes she treats me more like a friend than her mom and I have to remind her that her behavior is not appropriate but most of the time she is pretty easy - however she is starting to live her own life and it is scaring me a little. LilG is most of the time easy but when she is bad she is very bad LOL - very stubborn and dramatic. Ugh.

Hubs and I are doing pretty good - I think we have hit that three year glitch I read about not too long ago LOL and now we are working on accepting each other's faults that now seem to have come to life that we previously overlooked after the new love glow has worn off LOL

all in all I can't complain - especially when I think back on what my life used to be like walking on eggshells all the time. When I think back to how I used to live it's hard to believe. I feel so bad for women who are stuck in that type of relationship - and most people look down on them because they dont' leave when they dont' understand how hard it is to leave or how dangerous. Please if you know someone in a relationship like that, dont' judge them, just do what you can to help them find the courage and resources to leave and don't get mad when they don't- it's a big step!

2011-06-30T11:26:00.003-04:00

Good news!!! The attorney said that she thought my idea of delaying was a good plan as he may just give up. If not and they keep pressing, then we'll file something, but (and I was so surprised at this) she said really we should just make him file something and I was like, huh? A lawyer that doesn't want to make money? LOL I told her that I was afraid that if I waited to file it would look bad on me and she said no it would not so I was like ok. I mean why spend money if you don't have to she said. I love this lawyer LOL. The reason I picked this atty is because I already know she has a relationship with the judgeg, they have written article together, done mock trials together and she said I'm glad you have him, we like this Judge (and I'm thinking, yeah I know). So, things are looking good!

Later, I began to think of something else. She had mentioned during our conversation that no judge is going to start the girls back to seeing him immediately, he would transition them gradually if he gets it at all. So, maybe what I should do is offer fully monitored visitation (i.e. someone is with them listening to everything he says to them) with an objective party in about a month if they keep contacting me, that way I am protecting the children while still facilitating their relationship with him. OH yeah and I also found out that I have been giving him every other weekend and our parenting plan says he is only entitled to three sundays 1-6pm - isn't that crazy??? I don't know how I messed that up or perhaps I was trying to be fair and forgot that it wasn't the real plan - it's hard to remember. That is another reason she said not to go to court because I could lose that. But back to the fully monitored visitation thing (I am all over the place LOL), I don't think he'll do it and then he has to either take me back to court or give up - if we go back to court it won't look bad on me because I'm just doing what the Judge would have probably done to start with so....Yay! I just hope I'm right.

I know most of you guys are step moms with dad's who don't get what they deserve, but I just want you to know I tried really hard to let him be a parent to these girls but he just wanted to use them to hurt me and was hurting them and I have to protect them. I would love for them to have a dad who would step up and join me as their parent and although I would miss them, I would go for 50/50. My husband and I recently discussed separating and that is what we had decided on (luckily we decided against it - for now) so I just don't want you guys to think I'm another crazy BM LOL

Vacation is next week! whoop whoop!

2011-06-27T09:33:00.002-04:00

well it's happened...got the call from V this morning on my voicemail. What a way to start the week. I'm going to pretend I'm on vacation this week and next week. I called and made an appt with an atty. I was for sure he was just going to give up. I can't help but wonder what prompted this sudden request for visitation. Well, he is going to be VERY sorry. I'm going to make sure he has to have a psych eval, parenting eval, drug testing and every other thing I can think of before he even gets supervised visitation if I can. And if that freak is getting SSD, I'm going to try to mess that up too - he had a job while he was on work release which means he is perfectly capable of working and request for the maximum he can pay in child support instead of that measly $50 he has been ordered to pay. I just can't believe he didn't just let it go and I know it's just because he wants to mess with me. I gave him every opportunity to be a Dad to those girls when we first split up and he tried to hurt me through them then, I can only imgaine what he will do now - he is a master manipulator. I am so afraid he will mess with their minds and ruin them like his dad did him. I am so worried.

2011-05-31T15:45:00.002-04:00

thanks so much for everyone's thoughts...

I think perhaps counseling is in order if not for us then at least for me...my track record is not very good with counseling but I'll give it another try...

we did have a good weekend after he finally apologized Sat morning...however we still agree that we need to discuss our issues in more depth...since it was one of only three holidays he gets a year I was willing to table the discussion for the holiday and enjoy it...I've always been good at compartmentalizing...

I think in my post I gave the idea that it was really over a Prius...it wasn't really..it's really a power struggle I think...and that is why I'm so annoyed because once again I've made clear to someone my views and then later they want to change the game..arrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

2011-05-27T08:56:00.002-04:00

something my husband said to me last night really got to me, which was, "Is this about how long your other relationships have lasted? Three years is your limit?" and you know what, I think he's right. How said is that...actually I think I get disillusioned after about two and it takes me another year to get the courage to stand up for my convictions...

We had a really bad argument last night over...a Prius. Funny huh? Yeah, I want to buy a Prius to save on gas and he wants me to keep my Nissan Xterra. If he had valid reasons, I wouldn't have a problem with this decision, but his reasons are...he's going to pay it off this winter and it has a good drivetrain and it's a 4x4. My reasons are: savings on gas approx. $3700 a year and that is probably more because I'm pretty sure I drive more than 20000 miles a year (every car I've ever owned usually has about 25000 a year), the car has less miles (50000 vs 59000), I'll owe less on it if I sell my Nissan for 16000 or more and pay 15000 for the Prius, I love the inside of it, I admit the outside leaves something to be desired but I'll be the one driving it, it has front wheel drive which goes good in the snow). Basically he said he had line item veto and I was like, uh no you don't. I explained to him that I'm going to give you another opportunity to rephrase that because I'm telling you that I will not live in a dictatorship and he chose not to utilize that opportunity and we proceeded from there to I want a divorce basically. He brought it up and I said unless things change, yes that is where we are headed. There was a lot more that went down in this conversation, but basically that is where we are at...I'm really sad but also really mad. Like I told him, I will not be treated like a child, either this is partnership or it don't exist. I actually was willing to aquiese on the whole issue, but since he won't say that he's not large and in charge, then he can be king of this castle alone as far as I'm concerned. I feel totally disrespected and I'm NOT having it. He gave me all kinds of guilt trips about tearing up another family blah blah blah and I do feel bad but I WILL NOT live my life under someone's autocracy PERIOD. There were a lot of other things that also were discussed in addition to the Prius that were not addressed to my satisfaction and so I guess him feeling like he's king is more important that our relationship/family. I'm just tired of feeling like I can't make decisions on my own. He never worries about it because I'm not like him...I don't second guess him or over rule everything he says to the kids or whatever...

2010-11-19T08:17:00.002-05:00

Well, last night we talked about everything. Y'all were right - I should have just done that in the first place. He apologized for his behvaior and said he would do better and we came up with a signal for when he forgets.

I won't get into all the details now but I don't think he was thinking about cheating on me.

2010-11-18T08:17:00.003-05:00

The longer I think about this the more mad I get. How would he feel if I was sending messages like that? Me think he would no likey. I am officially pissed off. While many are probably right that I should confront him, I don't think I am going to - I am going to wait and see what happens - if he hangs himself so be it. If he chooses to fool around then we don't need to be together. I am just going to keep an eye on his sent box. I wish Facebook hadn't changed the way they do things or I would be able to see the whole conversation. I think a keylogger may be finding it's way onto the laptop very soon.

****************

I'm going back private so if anyone wants to keep reading, please send me your email or in the comments

Thanks!

2010-11-17T22:01:00.003-05:00

Very good advice girls. : )

I think my main problem is mostly the way he has been talking to me lately. Used to be I was wonderful, miss perfect could do no wrong, the best thing that ever happened to him, and now it's like I can't do anything right and he is constantly looking for something I do wrong. And whatever I do right is overlooked. Not to mention his tone and word choice. I find myself thinking - buddy, if you would've talked to me like this a year ago we wouldn't be where we are today. I feel he is being emotionally abusive really. I understand he's unhappy stressed out whatever but that doesn't give him the right to talk to me like dirt. I don't and I expect the same and we had this conversation about a year ago and he was always respectfully communicating his displeasure but lately he seems to have changed and I'm not sure why. I guess I could bring it up again, but damn it, we're 40 years old - does he really need to be reminded how to treat someone he loves? Maybe I'm just PMSing (it is that time), but I am really mad and I don't think he has a clue. This evening after he left, I felt like just gathering up my shit and leaving. He is so annoyed by us, fine we'll leave - see how happy he is all alone and no one to blame for everything that goes wrong. That was how I felt. Not good I know, but I know what I'm feeling. I am going to talk to him about it, but I have to wait because we only see each other for like an hour a day where he works night and I work days. He acts like he is the only one stressed out about things or the only one doing anything. I'd like him to be me for a day.

*************************************

ooops I almost forgot - have I mentioned how much I LOVE my new blog layout - it's so me!

2010-11-17T13:47:00.003-05:00

This is my secret place to confess my deepest darkest thoughts and I have some today that I want to preserve in case I'm right. Is my husband thinking of cheating on me? My gut is telling me yes, he may be thinking of it. One, lately he has been very critical, it seems as if I can't do anything right. Two, he has told me several times he feels neglected, ignored, devalued, and overwhelmed. Three, yesterday he told me he "ran into" his ex girlfriend online (Facebook). Uh you don't run into people, they send you friend requests or you send them one (yes, they are friends now). Four, he deleted his inbox on Facebook, Five, he didn't delete the sent - this is what was in there

1st message
my son and i hang out all the time hes now in the mines with me, hell i think he makes more than me now, but its awesome. my duaghter and i are not speaking and i have no desire for her craziness in my life so i have moved on from that. but yeah i got a great job making bunches of money and just improve on my position every chance i get

how can we chat, this message thing sucks

2nd msg
how come your not working today
and where you living now

Six, he didn't mention me at all and neither did she evidently or the baby

How do I feel about this? Upset. Mad. Anxious. and honestly sorta the same way I felt with the X - let me catch him and then it's over.

The only redeeming factor in all this is that he changed his password a week or so ago and told me. Maybe I'm just being paranoid, but I used to ignore my gut feelings but I found out that they are usually right.

The truth is I am kind of feeling the same way he is - which is a recipe for disaster. I feel like he doesn't appreciate me and he feels the same. What's the solution? He feels like he is theh only one that make an effort. I don't feel that way but it does make me think he is not seeing things clearly because I do.

Not to mention we are back to the same old refrain I always say, "I told them this was how I am and now they don't like it.". ugh

2010-11-09T14:08:00.002-05:00

I think maybe two of the blogs on my list are still posting - crazy! Someone should do a research paper on the lifespan of blogs. It's so interesting how they just get abandoned! Of course, I'm one to talk. LOL

Things are going pretty good. Will be much better once NG gets paid - he went back to work with another company and they hold two weeks back so a whole month with only my paycheck -ugh - and right b4 Xmas too.

2010-10-14T10:38:00.002-04:00

What to call a step-parent has seemed to be quite the hot button issue on many blogs I read. As a child of divorce myself at the age of 7, I never called anyone but my dad, dad. However, I did see my dad on a consistent basis (every other weekend and more in the summer) and my mother encouraged/did not sabotage our relationship. Not too long ago, my youngest asked if she could call NG, her step dad, dad. We told her yes, but I still feel kinda funny about it. I've always had this aversion to people calling step-parents mom or dad and I don't quite know why. I don't judge others who do it, but I never thought I would allow it. I wonder why I feel guilty? I mean, if anyone did not deserve the title of dad it is my X, so why do I con't to feel weird about it. Even though both girls now call NG dad, I still don't, I use his name. It's getting harder and harder though because it seems as if the more they call him that the more I seem to slip up and say it. For instance, "Tell your dad to let the dog out.". But after I say it, I feel weird. Why is that?

Back to the history of this though, I got a little sidetracked. When the youngest started to call him Dad, the oldest would correct her and we told her to stop. If youngest wants to then it is her right just as it is yours to do so or not. When she con't to ridicule youngest, she was made to call him dad for a week too and then at the end of the week she could quit. However, she never did, even though I reminded her that she could. I feel guilty about that too - like I made her do it - though at the time I thought I was just taking the ability for her to make fun of younger for it.

Why do I have so much angst over this?

2010-10-12T09:59:00.002-04:00

My girls and I had some alone time last night and boy was it awesome. We were watching the movie the Back Up Plan and lying on the couch together (NewBaby was asleep) and just relaxing and bonding. It was so great. I went to the kitchen and as I was watching the girls together tickling each other, I was so happy. It is so nice to see them starting to get along. I then began to think about how the X had stolen something from them so precious - their unconditional love and respect for their mom. I remember when they used to love me like NewBaby does - like I am their world - before their sperm donor tried to poison their minds against me. Did he not realize that he was really harming them? I hate how he did this to them - they are just now starting to recover. I remember that I loved my mom so much even though I knew her faults, they didn't matter. I am a much better mother than mine was and sometimes get down because my girls don't love me they way I did my mom - I mean I know they love me, but they also criticize me a lot, which I don't ever remember even thinking at their age. And the things they criticize are weird - like LilGirl will tell me I look old, or I need to color my hair because it makes me look old having so much grey, or I'm fat...it's really weird. BabyGirl doesn't do this to much, but she will second LilGirl's opinion sometimes. Lilgirl told me the other day, even my friends think you look old, and I said huh and she said SoandSo asked me how old you were and I told her 40 and she said, she looks a lot older than that LOL Why these 11 year old girls would be concerned about it I don't know - I find it odd but I just ignore it. It's like she is trying to hurt my feelings but I really don't understand her motivation... sometimes I wonder if it is because of the things her dad said to her in the past...anyway I just wish all those parents who talk trasha about the other parent would realize the harm they are doing to their children. I have tried very hard to be as neutral as I can in regard to their father, but I also believe that once an X starts to alienate that you must be honest in order to combat the negativity. I read a great article the other day about this, but unfortunately I don't have the link and it talked about how the parenting class spouts this never talk bad about the other parent but you can't follow that if the other parent is engaging in bad talk.

2010-10-08T15:34:00.002-04:00

not much new here. Haven't found any info on X yet as the detective is not a detective anymore! not sure what's up with that.

2010-09-14T10:39:00.002-04:00

last week I went to use my child support card and it was denied so I got online today and checked and looks like X must have gotten in trouble because he is not at the work release center anymore, he has been moved to the maximum security prison in our state where the most severe felons are housed... I'm going to call the detective who handled my case and see if he can find out what he did in case its something good for my custody case. Sometimes I feel bad that he has spent this long in jail although I wouldn't admit that to anyone IRL because I wonder if I wasn't protesting his release that he would already be out - I mean he is in there on forgery and uttering and meanwhile I see people in the news who have been convicted of child abuse, drugs, robbery who spend less than a year...but I also have to admit that the other part of me is glad because he is toxic to the girls and who knows what he might do to me when he gets out. I try to talk myself into believing that he won't do anything but now, after 1 year and 8 months being incarcerated do I really believe he's just going to let it go. No not really. Should I get a gun and take classes? Some people say yes others say no - I'm on the fence. I mean the fact is, if I do that, I'm going to have to use it. Can I? I think I can, but do you really know until that moment?

The Dr. Phil show was on domestic violence yesterday. It is an epidemic. I already talk to my girls about healthy relationships and the warning signs of men who may be abusive. I have already decided if I suspect a man is harming one of my daughters I'm going to do something about it - whether it be staging an intervention or something crazy - my daughters will not be abused PERIOD.

2010-08-26T09:24:00.002-04:00

sometimes I get tired of wanting everything - I dream of a time when I won't be such a consumerist. Sometimes I wish I lived in a place where no one even has a car must less namebrand clothes. What would it be like to be able to focus on the important things in life like learning and exploring instead of worrying about being able to buy my daughters the things they need to "fit" in or going to the circus even though they have been every year almost since they were 1? To just enjoy each other and be? I remember when I first read of anti-consumerism and how much it intrigued me. I doubt many people here where I live have even heard of it LOL. Sometimes I think I should move somewhere more progressive - do I really want my daughters growing up in this conservative backwoods place? Wouldn't it be nice to associate with people who get me instead of people that I put on a facade for as ms normal?

2010-08-13T16:06:00.003-04:00

Unbelievably, he was denied parole. I did not attend the hearing. I did write a letter - a two page letter with about 1/2 inch of attachments which included his arrest record, the list of DVP's filed against him by four different women including his own mother, and copies of the emails he sent to me and a transcripted (is that a word?) version of the emails to make it easier to read them. Apparently, it is practically unheard of for someone on work release to be denied parole. Yay for us!!!! I cannot tell you how relieved I was when I called and they told me he was denied. He has so far not called to request visitation again. I have not filed anything yet because I still don't have the money to hire an attorney but I'm hoping by mid sept. Had to spend about $1200 on the vehicles to keep them running and have to pay back a $1500 loan by sept 1. It seems like no matter how much money we make, we cannot get ahead because something always happens. I'm hoping that changes.

2010-06-04T11:55:00.003-04:00

Well, my good news yesterday quickly turned bad. V called again and he is on weekend furloghs and would like to resume his visitation on his weekends. In preparation for this news, I had talked to the girls about seeing their dad again. Oldest is a def no and youngest is iffy. I asked them to right down their reasons for and against and got some startling info. Evidenly they have seen him buying drugs and sniffing white powder. He has hit them and pulled their hair. He fights with everyone in the home and is being his usually bullying self and they do nothing about it. This is in addition to the stuff they told me about how he tells them I don't care about them and don't love them. This morning I called the court back and she told me that if he is out on furlough I do have to allow visitation. I am trying to come up with ideas on how to delay until we can get back to court but am having trouble because I have never done this before so I thought some step moms who have experienced the bio moms who seem to be experts in interfereing with visitation for some advice...PLEASE HELP!!!!!

2010-06-02T16:05:00.002-04:00

Talked to V and she is going to convey my message re: visitation. She also suggested I call the court as she has had a client previously where the ncp was on work release and they were not allowed visitation, so I called and SCORE! I do not have to allow visitation while he is incarcerated. Woop! Woop! So, if and when they call and say he is getting out on the weekends or something, I'll be like, negative. I will also be very surprised if his parents call - I told her that they needed to contact me to arrange visitation and we could meet at the park or something. Time will tell.

2010-06-01T10:16:00.001-04:00

Need to get this out before I explode. Got a phone call from the visitation center today and someone from the work release center had called on his behalf to request that his parents pick up the kids for his visitation weekend; he had called the court to check and the court order had not been changed (totally my fault - should have tried to get it changed) so he still had his visitation. V wanted to know if I knew anything about this and I said no, this was the first I had heard of it. She said she was going to tell them it was her understanding that only X could pick up the kids from the center so the answer was no. I told her I was totally fine with this and I am, but even though I knew this was coming, I am sick, just sick. Anyways, after we hung up I asked an atty here to read over my order to see if that was true, and then I called her back to ask her if she had already called them back, which she hadn't, so I told her what I was doing and that could she wait til the weekend to call them back, and she said yes. The atty said she was correct, only X could pick them up. Here is what I'm thinking my plan of action is going to be:

1. Tell her that a) if the grandparents are picking up the kids for visitation with X, they need to provide more information as he is incarcerated - at the work release center (not going to happen), is he on furlough..what is the plan? b)if the grandparents want to see the kids without X, I can meet them at the local park with the girls and supervise the visitation.
2. Get an attorney because I am not going back to court without one - however problem, we are so broke. NG has been laid off for a while and we are struggling to pay bills. He is supposed to go back to work June 4 so things will get better but X's parole hearing is in Aug so I have to get something done before then - at court, I'm going to ask for a guardian ad litem for the girls, a psych eval, counseling, and drug testing

For anyone who doesn't know the history between X and I - he is bad news - was abusive to me physically and mentally (conviction for domestic violence), numerous domestic violence petitions filed against him by 4 different people including his own mother, does drugs, tries to emotionally damage the girls by telling them I don't love them, I love one more than the other, that I'm a bad mother, etc., doesn't pay child support, just a total all around loser I met in my 20's and became the typical battered woman who was afraid to leave. This man does not deserve visitation - he's poison.

2009-09-21T15:39:00.002-04:00

I am quite shocked at the negative attitude my daughters have towards Obama and I can't help but wonder where they picked it up (school?). I don't really talk politics around my house but the girls do know I voted for Obama way back when and I did explain to them why I was voting for him because during the primary they wanted Hilary (is it weird that they even cared?). In the last few months there have been a few instances where I have mentioned something like for example that our city wasn't having a regatta this year because of money problems and after I finished the sentence they added, "because of Obama.". They have added this to a few other things I have said and I find it quite odd. It makes me wonder where they are hearing all this negative Obama talk. When the whole Joe Wilson "you lie" thing happened, I was talking about it to NG and my littlest piped up and said, "that wouldn't have happened if they had McCain". I thought kids picked up their parents political attitudes? When the school address flap came up, I asked the kids if they had watched Obama and turns out they didn't - littlest said the teacher couldn't find the right channel and oldest said it came on too late? The Friday before his address I read a couple articles online about it and some of the comments were shocking to me; I couldn't believe people felt that the President speaking to children in school was some kind of brainwashing plan. I guess Bush did it too way back when and I don't remember being concerned about it. What I find really ridiculous is how so many conservatives blame Obama for the mess we're in - he's been in office for what a whole 9 months and the stuff that caused most of the economic crisis happened before he even took office!!! Then the whole he's not eligible to be President thing is even more hilarious. Now, I wish I had made a bigger deal out of Gore winning the national vote but not the electoral college. Okay enough politics for today.

2009-09-18T09:02:00.002-04:00

The other night the girls were talking about how they miss their dad's parents, which made me feel kinda guilty. A few of my friends that are in similar situations feel that the best thing to do is to allow access and let the kids figure it out for themselves, which I probably would have done should they have made any effort whatsoever to contact me to see the kids, which they haven't. I know in his mom's twisted mind, his being in prison is all my fault and I'm sure they would portray it that way to the girls. That in a nutshell is the problem, I am almost positive they would talk about inappropriate things with the girls should they be allowed to see them, which I don't want. It comes down to the girls hearing lies and the truth from me, but although I'm sure they believe me, I'm sure they also wonder why they are saying these things. It creates an atmosphere of uncertainty for them that I don't want them to experience and in my mind the only way to ensure that is for them to not be associated with his family.

Have I mentioned I can't breathe? The pregnancy is getting harder and harder - so totally different from my first two. I don't remember feeling all that miserable at all, but with this one, woobooy, she's a doozy. LOL

2009-09-11T08:22:00.003-04:00

Crys - good idea

Fusion - the pregnancy is driving me INSANE. I am completely and utterly miserable - I am not one of those women who enjoy pregnancy. I want my body back!!!! I'm tired of not sleeping and having all these aches and pains. I could go on and on LOL but I'll take pity on you. Aren't you glad you asked?

Tulip - me too and I hope that will work for you

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The camping trip was actually pretty good considering how I felt about it. One of the couples that went had brought their grandchildren and the girl was the same age as my oldest and the boy was the same age as my youngest so they had built in playmates. I didn't have to do any cooking which was good and relaxed mostly. I was irritated because we gave his parents $60 to buy dinner stuff and we ended up eating hot dogs and hamburger every night - two nights I could have handled but three is a little much. It really wasn't their fault though because one of the couples wanted to wait to cook chicken until the next night and then somehow they ended up not cooking their hamburgers and hotdogs so the night they had said we were going to do chicken they did hamburgers and hotdogs. I don't think that made much sense, but anyways it irritated me.

2009-09-01T12:45:00.002-04:00

Be prepared for a vent fest. We're supposed to go camping this weekend. We were supposed to go to a place where they have a pool. Today I find out that the place has been changed to a place that doesn't have a pool, but they do have a swimming beach on a lake. Color me not happy. Why? Because I agreed to go to a place that had a pool and that's what I want dammit. Why does it matter so much? It doesn't really, but it does. Waaaaaaaaaaah. NG is really looking forward to the trip so when he told me the change in plans, I kept my dismay to myself (I know self-sabotage). He didn't change the plans, the people we are going with did. I sorta feel like telling him to go ahead and go with his son D and the girls can go if they want too, but I know he'll be hurt, even though last time we didn't really spend much time together so why should it matter? Which brings me to a whole 'nother issue - once again I'm starting to feel like I've been bait and switched. I remember making my views on things (kids, activities, life motto) pretty clear in the beginning and now I feel as if it's all being overwritten. Maybe I'm just hormonal. All I know is that I'm starting to feel a little managed and I don't like it - at all. Waaaaaaaaaaaaah. That's how I feel. Why are relationships always so difficult. Why don't people listen when I talk and if they don't like what they hear, go away instead of trying to change me and my views. Which I have to say some of the changes have been for the better (girls nutrition, behavior) so where does that leave me? Am I just a control freak?

2009-07-15T15:33:00.002-04:00

Can I just say that I hate women that love being pregnant? It's driving me batty. I hate feeling like I'm carrying around a basketball under my tummy. That I can't bend over. That I can't sleep. That I have indigestion. That the baby seems to think she is engaged in kickboxing match with the inside of mommy. That I look like a beached whale and feel totally un-sexy. Ugggggggggghhhhhhhhhh!

Okay, I feel a little better.

Hard to believe the baby will be here in about 3 months (I think the baby is going to come in October, the due date is Nov 1). I really can't believe I'm having another child. I so wish I had a nanny. NG is getting a new job and he will be leaving the house around 430am and arriving home around 8pm so help with the baby - not so much. : ( Actually the baby thing is not going to be so bad, it's the toddler thing that's going to drive me bonkers. When you have to watch them like a hawk and they need you every 5 seconds. I mean I just finally got to the point where I have time to myself once in a while and now look what I did. I guess I'm a masochist. LOL Maybe all of this negativity will make the reality better (you know expecting all this bad stuff and then it turns out okay - just nod and say yes).

I can't remember if I mentioned that NG got laid off, but he has been staying home with the girls for summer since paying for summer camp plus his unemployment would be almost the same as him working. He has really made a big change for the better in the girls, though it's hard for me to admit. They get along better, eat better, get more exercise and treat me better. Of course that could also be due to the fact that they don't have any influence from their Dad, who knows.

2009-06-16T13:21:00.003-04:00

The tech is 99.9% sure I'm having a girl! Poor NG - he's way outnumbered now.

Things are still going well - surprise! But it's only been a year (can you say pessimistic polly three times really fast?) so I'm still a little anxious. I guess after what I've been through, I always will be. We did have our first serious argument not too long ago and he began to get a little out of hand, but I calmly told him that I wasn't talking to him that way and we were discussing something not fighting with an enemy and not to use foul language (he said fuck) to me or raise his voice and neither would I and he calmed right down and we had a civil discussion about our difference of opinion which we really didn't resolve then, but later. What was this contentious discussion about? The girls' eating habits (which they've learned from me shhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!). It's true, the girls don't eat very healthy. We've got little debbie cakes boxes gone in a day and snacking all day long on whatever they want and then when dinner time comes, their not hungry - surprise! They are very picky and won't try anything new and I've just sorta adjusted to the fact that we only have certain things for dinner because they won't eat anything else, or if I did fix something they didn't like, I'd make them spaghettio's or ravioli. Youngest daughter hasn't had any spaghettio's or beefaroni in about 2 months and now she's not having stomach aches all the time or her morning sickness (not really morning sickness but it did seeem like that). Both of them have lost the love handles they had and oldest acne problems seems to be quite reduced. I was quite resistant to this whole new way of eating (i.e. only healthy snacks like fruite and veggies, but they're still not eatin raw veggies yet), one snace between meals and real dinners no fast food but I have to admit the results are positive. Why was I resistant you ask? Well, it was hard to not to give in to the crying/whining about food with the girls, it was also hard for me to cut out all the junk food I ate because I didn't feel right eating it if the girls couldn't have it, plus I know how much I love it and I knew it was hard on the girls because it was hard on me. I mean imagine going from having a snack drawer filled with fudge rounds, fruit rollups, chip bags, honey buns, reece cups to only being allowed to have bananas, grapes, cantelope and kiwi? We have not cut out that stuff all together but we don't keep it in the house, instead we go do DQ and have ice creme, or we had birthday cake on Sunday. I feel like the food police sometimes and it feels weird to me because I never had limits on what I ate as a child. Luckily I was naturally thin and had a metabolism to die for (if only I still did!!!) so it never caused any problems for me, but I can see the results on the girls already. Actually youngest wasn't showing any chunkiness, but she was having stomach problems and bowel movement problems. I realize it is better for them and teaching them healthy eatings habits, but I for some reason, still feel a littel resistant, like it's too strict or something...hard to explain.

This is the rule we came up with. Dinner is dinner - eat it or leave it, but no snacks if you don't eat it. There will always be something they like at dinner (for instance chicken), but no special meals. Snacks are one time between meals and must be healthy (fruit or veggie, peanut butter/graham cracker, granola bar - no chips, little debbie cakes etc.). They are encouraged to try new things but putting a spoonful on their plate and trying it. Oldest is doing fine with this, littlest not too much. It's a struggle and I'm feelin' like the mean mom.

2009-05-19T09:43:00.003-04:00

Taken from fusion

8 things I am looking forward to:
1. Going to Florida in June
2. Going to King's Island this weekend
3. The new tv
4. Having the baby (well getting it done, not the actual labor!)
5. Buying baby stuff
6. Coloring my hair after I have the baby
7. Finding out if the baby is a boy or girl
8. Staying home with the baby on maternity leave

8 things I did yesterday:
1. Worked
2. Researched Disney prices
3. Went out to eat
4. Took the girls to gymnastics
5. Confessed to a lie to NG- well a couple since they were all related
6. Emailed my 2nd cousin to check into staying at her place in FL
7. Ate, several times in fact... (copied from Fusion)
8. Straightened my hair

8 things I wish I could do:
1. Be a beach bum
2. Color my hair
3. Be tan
4. Change my daughter's dad into someone worhty of the title
5. Buy a house
6. Get a couple dogs, some cats and a horse, and maybe one of the lop eared bunnies
7. Live on a farm with farm hand to do all the work
8. Sing well

8 shows I watch:
1. Law & Order
2. Rock of Love
3. Intervention
4. American Idol
5. America's Funniest Home Videos
6. Bad Girls
7. Snapped
8. 48 Hours

2009-05-06T13:35:00.002-04:00

Where has the time gone??? I can't believe I haven't posted since Easter. Things are still going pretty much along the same lines. I went to XH's parole hearing and appeared privately, he was not granted parole, but he does get another hearing in Dec. The girls went to a cheer comp in Columbus and their team got 2nd. Much fun was had.

We're trying to save money for vacation = very hard. It seems like as soon as we have some extra money something comes up (i.e. new tires, trip out of town), but I think we are going to be able to manage it.

Not much to say really, but I guess that's a good thing! Less angst less posting.

2009-04-13T13:41:00.002-04:00

Easter was fabulous. We did the city sponsored hunt and then my friend from work had one at her house. The kids had a great time. My friend is a Martha Stewart clone. I don't know how she does it sometimes, but I'm glad she does. The kids colored eggs, egg hunt, potato sack race, spoon egg race, had a barbeque, jumped on the tramp, played on the swingset, all around just an awesome day. If it had been warmer she would have prolly let them in the hot tub LOL.

It was sort of weird not to have Easter Dinner with family. Of course, I could have made it myself, but not too interested. The girls also didn't go to church. I had asked them earlier in the week so I could get them dresses but neither wanted to go. Oldest is quite anti-dress - sortof reminds me of someone - myself! LOL littlelest loves dresses but for some reason was not interested so no easter dresses. This is the first year they haven't had them. I'm sort of conflicted about the whole church thing. I went to church until I was about 12 every sunday practically with my grandma. The girls have been sporadically. I was starting to go almost every Sunday after littlelest was born, but then when the whole XH/cousin affair thing came out, I quit. I just felt like I was in a fishbowl and everyone was watching me. Prolly all in my mind, but that was the way I felt. I didn't really go for myself, I went for my grandma and the kids. Honestly, I'm not sure what my religious feelings are...I'm pretty confused about the whole thing. For the girls, I just let them choose if they want to go or not. Little goes a lot, Oldest goes some. I don't go.

2009-04-10T10:19:00.002-04:00

Does anyone read LawGirl or Daily Musings from my blog list? They just recently when private before I had a chance to say hey, I read you, so if you do can you let them know that I'd like to be added! LOL

On to other things. We have a cheer comp coming up soon and it looks like NG won't get to go because he has to work. : ( When I mentioned this to the girls they were sooooo bummed out. I thought maybe they would be like, cool, it's a girls weekend, but they didn't. I was kinda surprised LOL. However, it's also nice to have my thoughts about how they feel about him confirmed. Oldest almost looked like she was going to boohoo. So sweet.

Of course, I am also having some unexpected thoughts about this. Most of the time I am completely sure I am in the right with respect to their relationship with their Father. He made his bed and now he can lie in it. He made choices to get where he is and those have also affected his relationships with his daughters. I am in the process of getting documentation from the Visitation Center regarding his sporadic visitation with them as well as reviewing the emails that went back and forth regarding the girls and their activities. The truth is he had ample opportunity to participate but chose not to because he didn't want to put forth the effort. When littlest played soccer, the coach gave him a schedule. He had a schedule for the football games. Did he ever show up, no. When he did have the kids on days they were supposed to participate, he either left early or didn't even bring them. He chose to badger them for information about me when they visited him and fill their heads with emotionally damaging ideas that I loved one more than the other or didn't love them at all and that I was a bad person. For the most part, I have tried to refrain from speaking poorly about their Father, but I have had lapses here and there. It's hard to be positive about someone who damaged me like he did, but I have tried. They are not dumb, and when they ask me questions about their Dad, to lie or hide the truth. I think for a long time, I was letting the fact that he is their Dad make me think that he had the right to them, but the truth is, he doesn't have the emotional maturity to be a Father, he can't even make good decisions for himself so how can he be trusted to make good decisions for them? Not that I'm a paragon of virtue, but I think I am a pretty good mother.

I also get kinda pissed when I think about their (him and his family's) claims that I am not a good mother. I mean what do they base that on? The kids get straight A's, they participate in extracurricular activities, they go to the doctor and dentist regularly, they are clean and well dressed, they have practically every electronic gadget known to the planet, they don't get into trouble at school so they must be pretty well-behaved, they listen for the most part, they are loved, I talk to them everyday about their day and try to make sure that if they are having a problem that they can talk to me about it, I go to school events, they have friends over to spend the night, they have spectacular bday parties, I'm hardly apart from them except for work. I mean what more do they frickin want???? That's what I'd like to say to them. I know exactly what they are going to say too, we don't like the men you choose. The truth is unless he was a candidate for sainthood, they'd never be happy, and maybe not even then! I think in their mind, I should remain single until the girls are old enough to go to college. In fact, that's a belief held by more than just my crazy ex and his family, because of the whole abuse by boyfriends factor that is so prevalent in the news.

I also felt bad the other day because I heard Oldest talking about her grandma (his mother) and how they were best friends and how she slept with her when she visited her dad. I feel bad that she is not getting to see her in a way, but I also think it's best because that woman is a head gamer. I don't trust her at all. No one in my family ever really liked her at all, they thought she was a fake and sorta odd. For some reason, I never saw that until later when I stopped doing what she wanted me to do. Everything is all great and good when you're doing what she wants (whatever that may be), but god help you when you stop. She is a master manipulator and I am afraid of what she could mold oldest into. I feel sorta bad for saying this too, but I'm sorta glad that they aren't making the effort to see the girls because then they can't blame it on me. They never called to ask and therefore IMO, they are at fault. Now, if I said no, then it would be on me, but luckily, I haven't had to do that. I'm sure when the girls are older, they're going to blame it on me and probably lie and say they asked, but the truth is they didn't and that will be enough for me. Even if they do associate with the family when they are older, I'm sure eventually something will happen to show them what kind of people they really are and they will see that I did what I had to do.

2009-04-02T10:41:00.002-04:00

Thanks for all the congratulations. It made me feel really good. It helps calm the negative nelly thing I've got goin on. I think the biggest worry I have is if NG and I don't make it, I've got another baby on my own. Truly, I think NG would always be an involved Father even if we weren't together, so what am I worried about? I don't know, I just don't like it. Why am I worried about us not making it? Because I know me, I'm doing the same thing I always do in a relationship, not making waves even when I should because I'm too afraid of conflict. I just want to get along. So, I don't mention when things bother me, I just smooth it over and ignore it until eventually I'm so full of resentment I just want to get out and away forever. What is bothering me you ask? Well, sometimes I feel like I'm doing things I don't want to do (nothing major, but it annoys me nonetheless). Yes I know we don't have any clean blankets/sheets in the house and they need washed, but I just don't feel like friggin' doing it this week! If it bothers you, do it yourself. If you were out yesterday for a couple of hours, why didn't you pick up the friggin' milk, toilet paper and soap? Why is that my responsbility? I'm at work from 8 until 430 and then I have the kids. Yes, I know you leave for work at 2 and don't get home and in bed until about 1245 or 1am. I know you get up at 730 and take the kids to school, but that leaves you 5 hours of kid free time, so really who has more time to do shit? True he does work harder than me, but you chose that profession, not me. Honestly, there is a small evil part of me that can't wait to see if he can really handle having the baby until he leaves for work every day. Yeah, it sounds doable, but honestly, I don't think he'll be able to cope with the responsiblity every day, no day off except Sat and Sun. I mean, I get home from work about 5 pm every day, that leaves about 4 hours with kids. Am I wrong to think that maybe he should have a little more responsbility than me for getting stuff done? As I've said before, it is really nice having a clean house every day with minimal effort, but sometimes I just want to veg out and not do a damn thing and that just doesn't fly in his world. Maybe I should start slipping xanax in his coffee so he can relax a little. His mentality is, he can't relax until everything he knows needs to be done is done, my mentality is, life is short, what is more important enjoying it or making sure all the clothes are washed?

Yesterday evening after I got home, I was thinking about why I haven't posted it on FB and such and I realized it's because I know X and his family use those sites to "spy" on my life. Truthfully, sometimes I think about deleting my profiles because I feel like I'm just asking for it by putting it out there. If it wasn't there, I'd be less out of their thoughts because they wouldn't "see" me or have that inkling in their mind of checking me out. Then, on the other hand, why should I have to hide? Sometimes I wonder why the mother of his first child got off so easy. I mean she did keep him from his child (which was probably pretty smart) and she did prosecute him for non-payment (not that it got any money), and they could care less about her. Probably, if I had moved to Florida, I would've gone the same (she lives out of state), but by staying here I never got that outta sight outta mind thing going on. Truthfully, I think if his Mother would have just stayed out of it, he would have went on his merry way and forgot about me, but with his mom pressing him for visiting with the girls he couldn't forget about me as easily. Now, that I've put him in jail for so long, he'll never forget. That scares me.

2009-04-01T13:17:00.002-04:00

The stork will be visiting me in Nov. This has been confirmed by a medical doctor. Apparently, my conception date was around 2/5-2/9. I'm not sure when I began to suspect but whenever I did, I was in full panic mode. I thought I was done with the early years and now I'm going to go through it again? Will I lose my mind? This is going to ruin my vacation plans (selfish I know). What will work say? Are we ready for this? Can I handle this? I'm not ready! Help! Help! Help! Then I think of all those who want so much to have a baby and try so hard and I think why can't this happen to them? Why me? Why now? But all of that doesn't change the fact that I am having a baby. NG is ecstatic, which is a good thing because X never was really. I mean he was a little happy, but really, could've cared less. He never went to an appt, but he did do the Lamaze classes, which is hard to believe. As time has passed, I am getting more happy about it and less pessimistic, but I'd be lying if I said it's all sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes I'm happy about it, and sometimes I feel as if fate is having a good chuckle at the curve she's thrown me. I was very nervous about telling people, one because I feel at 38 I'm too old to be having a child, two because I'm not married yet. I was surprised at all the positive feedback I have to admit. It seems as if everyone thinks it is wonderful, which has helped a lot. I've told my parents, work and some friends. I have not announced it on FB or other social networking sites I participate in yet. I'm not sure why - I think I sort of feel embarrassed. Unwed mother at 38 and all. LOL Boy, did my small town baptist upbring stick. The girls are excited, which was surprising. Oldest is a little concerned that the baby will take all my attention, which is a valid concern, but I told her I would do my best to make special time for she and youngest. The truth is, I sort of felt the same way when youngest was born because I had just quit my job and went back to school, and it was messing up all my best laid plans, but it all turned out just fine and I know this will too, and I will end up thinking that it's the best thing that ever happened to me once the baby is here and I once again marvel that this is my little baby girl (yes, I'm predicting a girl, NG predicts a boy - you heard it here first LOL)

2009-02-13T16:16:00.003-05:00

I'm so excited, I've been trying to think of something to get NG for Vday that would be something he really wants but not to expensive (because the things he really wants like one of those on wheels w/lots of cabinets tool boxes, a snow blower, new wheels for his truck are waaay to expensive for us right now) and I finally thought of it and they have one in stock, The Ron White Show. YAY for me!

I also have to admit to a little hypocrisy. NG called and asked me what I wanted to Vday. Now, truly, at least he's trying right? But really, I'd rather he put some thought of his own into it and suprise me with something I didn't even know I wanted (like I'm doing), but, I mean how many men can do that? Not many (and if your man does, I don't wanna hear about it! LOL). And even worse, how can he figure it out, if I don't even know???? Because when he asked me, I was at a loss. So, I told him a chocolate cheesecake and a card. Now that I've had time to think about it, I think I would've liked him to surprise me with some sexy lingerie. Oh well, that's the way the cookie crumbles sometimes!

I've caved and signed up the girls for a comp cheerleading team. They're uniforms are so cute! We have a bucket drop tomorrow to try and raise money for our entry fee. Our first comp is in March. We're going to take all the girls to the movies Saturday.

It's the weekend!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wooooooooooohooooooooooooo!

Oh yeah, and in regard to the carefree girl thing - what I mean is the ability to go do something w/out having to find a sitter, which is practically impossible!

2009-02-11T10:21:00.002-05:00

I miss that carefree girl I used to be, the one that's been taken over by ms. responsible. I know that as a Mother, I can't be that person anymore, but I miss her.

2009-02-06T14:46:00.002-05:00

They gave him a concurrent sentence. I was quite disappointed, but am pretty much over it now. The main point is that it is on record that he pleaded guilty to stalking me so if he engages in additional behaviour he will be called on it, not to mention that his parole will mandate that he has no contact with me. He is parole hearing is in March, so I gotta get busy on contacting them because that will hopefully keep him from getting parole for a while.

As I told that Judge, he's had numerous petitions filed against him by other girlfriends and his Mother, and I have no doubt that I will not be his last victim. Obviously, she didn't much care, which pisses me off. I mean you hear all this stuff about fighting domestic violence and then when they have the opportunity to do something... honestly though, I think it was because of the plea deal. If Judges stop honoring the agreements made by Prosecutor's, no one's going to take a deal because they won't be sure it will stick, I get that. But it still sucks.

Maybe he'll learn from this (doubt it).

My oldest finally got her "Big Sister", she is so excited. We met her Wed, they are supposed to go do something tonight. I'm really happy because I think this will be good for her because I know she misses my Aunt. I think this woman will be a better influence than my Aunt was for her. My youngest is bummed, but they are trying to get her one as fast as they can.

I am definitely dying my hair tonight - just looking at all this gray is bumming me out. It wouldn't be so bad, but the majority of it is in the front! If it was in the back, I wouldn't see it. LOL

2009-02-04T21:21:00.003-05:00

Court is tomorrow. I'm really dreading it, thought I'm blocking the feelings. My therapist told me once that I'm going to be in a lot of trouble when all these feelings I block come crashing down, but I've been doing this now for almost 40 years, I don't think that's ever going to happen, I'm too good at making myself ignore them.

Things with NG are still good (knock on wood - I'm getting very superstitious in my old age). I'm a little confused about how I feel about his relationship with the girls - on one hand I feel like he's overstepping but on the other hand the girls seem more stable. Sometimes I feel like he's too hard on them, and then other times I feel like he's right, it's just very confusing for me. I think this has more to do with my own issues than what's actually going on - when my mother was with my step-dad I really resented his interference, I felt as if it was none of his business and that my mom should be making all the decisions about me. Of course, the fact that he was a raging alcoholic who abused my mom probably didn't help and NG is far from that, but there is something there that is bothering me and I'm not sure about it yet enough to discuss it.

2009-01-22T09:42:00.002-05:00

Called yesterday to check on X's parole date. I had sent in the victime notification form, but I'm not taking any chances. They are still waiting on home confinement to provide his time served info, I guess they are taking their sweet time (YAY!!!). I told the lady that answered the phone, I hope they take as long as possible and she said, "So, I guess that means you don't want me to call and remind them.", and I said it would make my day and she laughed. Honestly, though, I am really kind of scared about what is going to happen when he gets out because I'm sure he is really pissed and we all know what happens then - teh crazy. She said I would get 45 days notice before his parole hearing date and my stuff is on file, which was another reason I called.

Things are going pretty well at casa de cassee (I hate saying that because that's just like asking for something bad to happen), but sometimes you just gotta stop being scared. I'm so tired of being scared of this that and the other. Of always worrying what people think - I really need to practice what I preach since I tell my daughter not to worry about other people all the time. Which, I try not to, but deep down I still do, even though I try to ignore it.

2009-01-16T09:23:00.002-05:00

Well, I guess I missed National Delurking Week, but when I have I ever done anything on time anyways???? So, do your thing if you fit the bill.

2009-01-09T14:06:00.002-05:00

I think I'm just PMSing. Everytime I think I've nailed down something about him that just doesn't work for me, he does something to negate it. I think my main problem is that I'm just looking for something, that I can't believe there is not something wrong with him somehow. After dealing with the crazies for so long, I just keep looking for it.

I was talking to my mom last night about how at night when he comes home from work, I get this big ball of nervous/anxiety even though there is no reason for it and I know where it comes from because I was so used to XH coming home from being out at night and starting a fight with me because he felt guilty about what he was doing. It was always over something mundane or even non-existent, but nonetheless stressful. So, I keep waiting for this to happen with NG. This probably is not making any sense, it's so hard to describe. One night (he works from 3-midnight shift) he came home and I was hard asleep and when he first woke me up, I think I thought he was XH and I was so afraid I almost started crying, until I realized it was NG. This all happened in mere seconds, but the heart pounding fear is overwhelming. XH has really messed me up pretty good I think. It's like because you know this craziness is possible, that you are always looking for signs of it because the person that did it before was able to hide it so well at times that you just think everyone does it.

2009-01-07T16:22:00.003-05:00

I was talking to my mom last night and she was telling me about the relationship problems she is having and the things he has said to her and I realized that NG and I, although we really haven't had an argument per se we have had some minor disagreements, he has yet to say anything hurtful to me on purpose as the ones who have come before him have. It's been almost 10 months and not one hurtful attack. No name calling (bitch, whore, etc.). I know this should be normal, but for me, alas, it is not. There are so many positive things about this relationship, but something is holding me back a little bit. It's this thing he has that unless an idea is his (or that is how it seems to me), he has a hard time accepting it. He will, but it's quite the work to get there and I don't like it. Sometimes it even takes a couple of days before he says, you were right, you're idea is better and for some reason, it irritates the hell out of me, because until he reaches that moment it's like pulling toenails to try and get my idea across. Have I said he wants to get married? And, I have said yes, but truthfully, I'm not really sure.

2008-12-31T09:02:00.002-05:00

I talked to NG about how I was feeling and he said all the right things, but I'm still obessessing about it. Go figure. LOL I also think it worried him a little that we might not "make it", but I really can't help that. I yam what I yam. If I was him, I would probably be annoyed, like wtf is she talking about - what does she want me to do, walk on eggshells? and I don't, I mean he should be able to tell me how he feels without me curling into a fetal ball as if I'm being attacked (I don't really do that, just mentally). It's not like he yells, or says mean things, or hurtful things like XBF - he communicates. Can you tell I'm trying to convince myself that I need to get over it? It's not working BTW, but I'm trying. Mostly it all comes down to the fact that I am living clean. What does living clean mean? That I'm not afraid when someone knocks on the door to open it so they can see how messy the house is, seriously. I'm one of those people who leave stuff lying around instead of putting it away because a)I might use it in the next hour, day, week or b)I start doing something else and "I don't have time" to mess with it right now. I think those are my main two reasons, and my kids have learned this from me. Since we have moved into the new house, we have "changed". As I said before, the girls have picked up on being neater easier, for me, it's something I have to "practice" so it's like a chore, it's not automatic for me like it is for some. I have to think about it so I don't forget. This probably sounds crazy to some people, but I have been this way for many moons. My dad just used to keep my door shut so he couldn't see it (he is a neat freak too) but now I can't do that anymore and it's HARD. Boy, I really have a problem don't I, poor me, I have to be neat. Enough whining about that.

I'm also still dreaming of possiblities. Like taking a job with the UN and moving to a foreign country with the girls. Wouldn't that be an experience for all us. I always think of these experiences I want to have, but never follow through because I'm just too conventional. But, I am thinking about it. No specific job or anything, just a general idea.

No new year plans. NG has to work until 10pm. This will be the first NY I've spent with the girls in about three years so that's good. I think I'm going to get some sparkling cider and plastic champagne glasses. They'd love that!

2008-12-30T09:54:00.003-05:00

Christmas was great. The girls loved everything - especially their phones and the Wii. I love the Wii! It's so awesome. My oldest and I both were sore from playing tennis. LOL She also loves boxing. Finally someone she can beat up on and not get in trouble! LOL

It sucks that schools are closed this week (not for the girls I'm sure, just my pocketbook). $40 a day - I know 20 a piece isn't much to watch two girls for 8 hours but 40x3 is 120 - ugh!

Things with NG and I are good. Still. But, you knew there was a but right? Don't I always have a but? I think I'm the queen of buts sometimes! I think I'm doing it to myself, but I'm just not sure yet. It's like I feel I am being...I'm having trouble thinking of the word that describes this feeling, but an example would be when he asks me if I've done something and I feel resentment that he is asking me. What business is it of his? Then I think, well that's what a relationship is - you are sharing your life with someone and in order to do that you have to actually share it.

PAUSE

Just came back from lunch with NG. Thought of the perfect example of what I'm feeling. Last night I felt anxious because I didn't unload and reload the d/w. I don't like that I feel like I have to do things. Now, don't get me wrong, I am totally creating all of this myself. NG said nothing but I felt obligated. That's the word I was looking for - I hate feeling obligated to do anything but a relationship makes you obligated to someone else and evidently I have some kind of deep seated dislike of being obligated to anything. I think I have some kind of neurosis about it, because really, I hate being obligated period. I have trouble committing to plans in advance. I think I might need some professional help.

2008-12-23T10:02:00.003-05:00

I can't believe Christmas is in two days! I do have most of my shopping done and a lot of the wrapping, but not all, alas. This is what I got the girls:

youngest (7)
girl crush nail set
bag with stuffed dog that you can carry around (think Paris Hilton)
girl gourmet cupcake maker
2 necklaces
earring set (3 pairs)
DVD
cell phone unlimited minutes plan
DVD player (from Santa)
track suit
jeans/two shirts

oldest (9)
girl crush nail set
pixo super studio
nano arm band
2 necklaces
earring set (3 pair)
DVD
cell phone unlimited minutes
DVD player (from Santa)
jeans
4 shirts

Both Wii from Santa and stuff in their stocking (cell phone holder, pencils, candy)

I thought this was plenty. NG wanted to get them one more sorta big present so add to that for oldest a ipod karoke/cd player/radio/stero and youngest a learning laptop. Not to mention that they are getting the following from my dad and his wife:

youngest
2 DS games
spa factor aromatherapy
board game

oldest
digital camera
zillions ATM bank
2 DS games

and more than likely clothes from them too

My mom will also be sending them each like $100 and they are getting presents from NG's family which will total about 3 each.

Personally, I think I shouldn't have got them that many gifts myself because I was going to try and cut back this year because I think it is getting out of hand. I'm curious as to what others think - is what they are getting (just from me) normal?

2008-12-16T11:34:00.002-05:00

This article was featured today on Yahoo and I read it and I think I need to post it so in case I ever need it again, I can find it:

I recently had the following conversation with a friend:
"Every time I break up with my boyfriend, he freaks out. He showed up outside my apartment last time."
"Well sounds like you just have to break up and get it over with."
"Yeah, but it's not a good situation every time I do it."
I stopped and thought for a second. "Not a good situation?" Isn't that kind of obvious? How can anyone expect a breakup to be a good situation at all?
Breaking up is a selfish act that can be a necessary evil in your dating life. But there are easier ways to do the whole process.
More Dating Articles from Marie Claire:
Nine Signs He Is Cheating
50 Cheap Date Ideas
The first step is to adjust your mentality and recognize the situation:
You are not ruining someone's life; they will get over you some day.

If you don't break up quickly and honestly, it's unfair to you and the other person.
If you don't break up quickly and honestly, it's unfair to you and the other person.
If you are even thinking about breaking up with someone, it's probably time to do it. Would you want to be with someone who was having second thoughts while you were madly in love with them?
It's going to be ugly and there's nothing anyone can do about it.
What's the best way to break up? There is probably no best way. But there are a number of tactics that can help make it easier for both parties (even though both parties may not recognize it at the time). Here are some good tactics to use for a "clean" break:
1. Make It Fast
The longer you take to get to the point (whether it's hours or days), the less they will take you seriously. And if you make it look like you're having a hard time going through with the breakup, they will think they can change your feelings or stick around in your life.
2. Be Honest
Don't sugarcoat the situation. If you're seeing someone else, tell them you're seeing someone else. My little sister broke up with a live-in boyfriend because she kissed another guy during a business trip. She told her boyfriend the deal -- it made it more concrete. Avoid cliche's like "I love you, I'm just not in love with you." Guys don't understand this stuff. If you've lost feelings for them, just say it. They can't argue with that. And avoid covering up -- "I just can't be in a relationship right now." Sure you can -- if you were still really into him, you'd be in a relationship with him.
Honesty will protect you in the long run, because the truth comes out eventually.
Honesty will protect you in the long run, because the truth comes out eventually.
3. Don't Feel Sorry for Anyone
People will beg, cry, get angry, or shower you with guilt. Just keep going, try to ward off your guilt. It's just going to slow you down and prevent you from getting to your objective. And never take someone back, or cancel breaking up because you feel sorry for them. Do you really want to stay with someone you feel sorry for?
4. Set Post-Breakup Rules
Let them know the deal: you won't be answering their calls or emails. You won't be accommodating them if they show up at your apartment. Eventually, if they have any personality and independence, they will stop bothering you -- but only if you stick to these rules. If you lay these rules out at the time of breakup, then they can't say: "why are you ignoring my calls?" Don't tell them what they are allowed to do -- they can call you all they want, but if you have stated you won't be answering their calls then you are well within your rights when you don't pick up.
5. Stick With It
The more you take them back, the less seriously they'll take your breakup attempts.
6. Neutral Site
Never do it at your place. You want to be able to leave on your own time. Neutral places are the easiest locations to make a quick getaway. The longer you've been together, the more likely it is that you'll be required to do it in person.
Breaking up takes strength. I have found that people who can't break up with someone they are no longer into are somewhat weak. Do what you want to do, and don't get swayed by the situation or the other person.
Reprinted with permission of Hearst Communications, Inc.
Save up to 88% on Marie Claire -- Subscribe Now
More Marie Claire:

2008-12-10T16:42:00.002-05:00

Another mark in the he might be a good guy column (this will probably sound silly to those who have never experienced super insecure men): the Xmas tree is shedding copious amounts of needles, if I try to vacumn behind the tree I just knock more down. I had asked a guy I work with if I could borrow his dirt devil. I told NG that I was borrowing it to clean around the tree and I didn't hear "Oh really, who is Jason" or "Why is he letting you borrow that?" or "Why didn't you ask someone else?" or any of the other myriad of questions I might have gotten from FKGG or XH. This tiny little thing made me feel so good. Weird I know! LOL

I can't even begin to tell you the difference in the girls and my life due to NG. Although in truth I was having quite a lot of resistance in my mind to some of things he suggested, I tried it and it has paid off in spades. What is this new concept? Consistency - something that I have avoided all my life either on purpose or not. I have a real problem with being consistent about anything. I've always been about last minute, procrastination, go with the flow, no planning kinda girl. For a single gal, it works. For children, I think it is a recipe for distaster. They need stability, consistency and routine, and structure. Things I have avoided all my life like the plague. The girls have taken to this like a duck to water, me I'm really struggling but I'm trying and that is the best I can do. Not to say that it went smoothly, the girls had a big adjustment period and there were some blowouts but the end result has been happier kids which is always a good thing.

2008-12-09T14:42:00.002-05:00

Too much as gone on since I last posted so I'm just going to do some bullets:

NG and I moved in together in this house I am just crazy about - it's like my dream house.

The girls still like NG.

X husband was found guilty of violating his home confinement and got sentenced to 1 to 10 years (the original possible sentence he could have rec'd when he got two years home confinement).

I had to testify at the hearing. It was NOT fun. His atty was very rude to me but I was prepared this time and the prosecutor told me I did a good job.

We had a hearing on the charges they arrested him for (8 charges of telephone harassment and 1 count of stalking all misdemeanors) and he would not take a deal of 3 months in jail and 1 year probation. They have requested a jury trial. According to the Prosecutor it will probably happen after the new year.

I am having trouble financially. I'm not sure how I got in this mess, but boy does it suck. It's even weirded considering the fact that combined we are making 5-7k a month (depending on his overtime) bring home.

I saved this one for last - I think I am impossible when it comes to love. NG is near perfect but I'm still looking over the fence. I need to hash this out in more detail.

2008-10-10T02:12:00.003-04:00

It's so hard finding time to get on here and post. My X is in jail and we have a hearing mid October to violate his home confinement. He has been charged with counts of telephone harrassment and stalking. I did not get the DVP order because what he did was not considered domestic violence (they didn't allow evidence of the stuff that had happened months ago, only recent stuff so they only things I had were the one friend request via myspace and the posting of the inappropriate pictures. If I had applied for one while he was leaving all those messages it would have been granted). The Judge did tell him to leave me alone or he would grant the order. The Judge did not seem concerned about the things related to the girls. I did not have an attorney, but my X did paid for by him mom, and I think that was why things went so bad for me. Well, not bad, but not good. The domestic violence coordinator said that even though I didn't get the order, at least we got the accusations on record and if he did keep harassing me it would be granted. Then after we left court, the detective who testified arrested him. X's atty was pissed! He went into the courtroom after he was arrested and told the Judge as if we were doing something wrong by arresting him!!! I thought it was really bizarre, like the Judge was going to be pissed or something. I mean, if the cops didn't think he had done something illegal, he wouldn't be arrested! He told the Judge, he actually interrupted the hearing that started after ours, and told him that he just thought he should know that we had him arrested after the hearing. What did he think the Judge was going to do, void the arrest or something?

Things with NG are still going good. He treats me so good and is so good with the girls. My oldest is even seeming to let down her guard with him. Her therapist said my oldest seemed very relieved that she did not have to go to her Dad's for a while. It's sad, but although he is their bio dad, he is not being a real dad. I have given him the opportunity but he didn't take it. I even think that if he hadn't gone to jail, after he got off home confinement, he would have eventually dropped out of their life, he had basically started to do just that before he was on home confinement, then because he had nothing else to do and his mom was encouraging/supporting he was getting them, but he still missed weekends. Why should they have to suffer to keep him entertained while he pretends to be a dad. The truth is he has never had their best interests at heart or he wouldn't denigrate me to them, grill them every time they come over, try to turn them against me and each other, mess with their minds, hit them, and act sexually inappropriate with them.

When we were in court, I stared him down. He looked at me a couple of times and I gave him the full on hate stare til he had to look away. I wanted him to know that he has went too far and I despise him. He looked away every time. He knows he is wrong. He may not admit it to anyone, but he knows.

Not to mention the fact that he hasn't done a damn thing to support these girls in 8 years. When we were together, I did it and since we've been divorced I've done it. He hasn't paid one dime in child support (not that $50 a month was going to do very much, I mean that doesn't even pay for after care for one week!).

The girls had a cheerleading competition a few weeks ago and they did really good. They are both so talented and smart. Of course, they take after their mom, ha ha.

Well, I'm going back to bed.

2008-09-17T20:04:00.002-04:00

I went to court Monday and filed a DVP against my ex-husband at the advice of the coordinator after explaining everything. My ex posted provacative pictures of me on his myspace(one of me from the back from about the bra strap down to right above my knees when I had just underwear on and another one of me fully clothed but posed with my legs slightly open in a dress and black hose) he had sent a friend request to me and to NG so we would look at his profile and see the pictures. Then the therapist had to cancel the girls appt because she had an emergency and had to go out of town so I was unsure of what to do. I originally went to the courthouse to request paperwork to ask for an emergency order to stop visitation, but then after talking they recommended I file the DVP. Basically in the request, I said that he had posted those pictures, left threatening msgs on voicemail and I felt he was still obsessed with me even though we havne't even seen each in over three years and then I talked about all the stuff the girls told me and how I was afraid of what he would do to them when he found out they had told me. We go to court next week. I also called the detective and he is going ahead with the case that we got the paperwork ready for when he was leaving all those crazy voicemails. I bet he really regrets posting those pictures now, it almost makes it worth it.

Things with NG and I are going well, but I am still "stalking" the merril lynch dude via myspace. He is now dating a 23 year old (he's 39 or 40). I just can't seem to stop checking in on him to see what he's up to even though I know we are not compatible and it is a complete waste of time. I think it's sorta the one that got away obsessing. I keep wondering what would have happened if I had waited until after exbf and I were done and there was no drama, but even then I know we are not possible because he's into drugs and partying too much. I keep telling myself, you have this great guy who treats you like a queen, wtf are you doing????? I mean I'm not really doing anything, but I wouldn't like it if he was doing it. And I really am crazy about him and so are the girls. My youngest asked him this weekend, she came up to him and grabbed both of his hands and looked up at him and said, "Will you marry my mommy?". Oldest likes him, but she is also having some issues with him that I guess are normal for some kids. I just can't understand why youngest is so open to him and oldest is fighting her feelings to accept him.

Been feeling better and more competent at my job lately, which is a good thing. I hated feeling like I wasn't doing a good job, even though my boss would tell me I was.

Finances are sucking up the field. Hopefully, by next paycheck I should be back on an even keel. NG is helping me out, which is a first for me. Usually it's the other way around!

2008-09-02T23:35:00.002-04:00

The therapist will see the girls next week. I am not letting them go to the visitation this week even if he doesn't cancel. Honestly, I seriously doubt he would do anything, so what's to lose and at least I'll know they are safe. After they see the therapist, I think I'm just going to file something anyways and ask for supervised visitation and him some parenting classes and even maybe counseling - I don't know. The therapist talked about involving CPS but that just gives me the creeps for some reason, I've just seen so much incompetence demonstrated in story after story about those agencies.

Been reading my archives from my old blog trying to decipher when oldest changed from the perfect angel to how she is now. When I think back to when she was a toddler, she was better behaved then than she is now. I mean she was almost amazing.

2008-08-24T20:41:00.003-04:00

Time is just flying by. I'm having a hard time keeping up and what's weirder is that I have more help now than I did before (have I mentioned that I haven't had to laundry since like um the end of June not to mention all the other stuff he does without me even asking) I think it's because cheerleading/football started and we have practice M, T and TH from 6-8. Plus with therapy sprinkled in (which really hasn't shown much result yet, but they've only been two times the other stuff was testing) I don't know, it just seems like I'm in a tornado and now school is going to be added to the mix. I'm scared. It's going to be crazy I know. It's always like this during "the season" and then it's over and things get back to a little slower. I just have to make it through. You'd think the way I talk about it, it was something totally overwhelming but really it's not. Am I making any sense? Not really. Oh well, this space is for me to get it all out there so I can actually think about it later.

NG and I are doing pretty well. I've tried to relax and let him in a little and so far, it's went well. The girls are absolutely ga ga over him. It's really wild because of how much they disliked XBF.

Some really strange things are going on with the girls and their Dad, which is really freaking me out. I found out last weekend that he had smacked the oldest on in the mouth last year. They are just now telling me. Apparently, for no reason or not one that either can remember. After, oldest got mad at youngest because she thought youngest must have told Daddy something to make him do that and they got into a fight (not physical). Youngest also said he only treats oldest like that not her that she is his favorite and oldest is grandmas. They both say he hasn't done anything like that since. I told their therapist. We are supposed to have a feedback session the beginning of Sept. Since it had happened so long ago and their supposedly hasn't been an incident since, the therapist saw oldest the day they were supposed to go and if she felt they shouldn't go, I wasn't going to let them, but she didn't so they went. Then today when they came home on the way home they told me the most bizarre thing that I really don't know what to think about it. The youngest who always tells everything she knows starts to tell a story about something that happened at Daddy's, oldest tries to shut her up by covering her mouth and telling her not to tell, and then I say that she can, and she proceeds to tell about AirMyName (i.e. Air then saying my name) and said that Daddy pretends to uhm laugh laugh giggle giggle you know how you got pregnant mommy and Daddy does that to AirMyName against the wall, he showed us. Now what in the world does that mean???????? I ask for a little clarification, and apparently from what I got, he was acting out having sex with me against the wall. Later, I asked oldest why he showed them that and she just shrugged her shoulders and then I asked if her grandma (his mom) saw and she said we were in grandma's room and she was telling him to get out. He also has been drinking about 12 beers that day. I don't even know what to think about this. Why would he be telling/showing the girls something like that. There has to be some objective but what could it be possibly be???? I'm going to call their therapist and inform her of the latest craziness. The weirdest thing is that all this stuff has just now come out. I truly never thought he would act this way with the kids. I had seen him around his son when he was young and he never acted like he was would ever strike a child in anger. But maybe that's because he is a boy. I just don't know. I told NG that maybe he is doing this to hurt me through them, by messing them up he is paying me back for all the wrongs I have done him (which only exist in his mind). I am afraid that when I try to do something about this it will fail, and the girls will somehow be punished or worse. This really sucks.

2008-08-11T18:46:00.002-04:00

Didn't really get to finish fleshing out my thoughts on Sunday, but I have also discovered another problem. Communication. I guess after never being able to depend on someone, I have a tendency not to want to share info w/people. Insignifcant details to me, to others, things they think they need to know that I do not. For example. My friend T is staying with the girls while I am out of town. Yesterday I happened to find out from my oldest that she doesn't have practice on Monday, but I think she does. Then I just sorta forget about it besides telling myself to call and find out. I don't mention ths to NG. Today before my plane lands for my connection, I remember and I try to call the coach, no answer. I call T and give her the numbers and tell her to call. Later this eve when I'm talking to NG, he seems affronted that I didn't share this with him. His exact statement, "I feel like I was left out of the loop. This would have been good information to have." For what exactly??? The only reason I even brought it up is because I didn't want him to waste his time going to practice if they weren't going to be there. I know he is trying to be helpful, but I smell control freak. I don't know if that is me over reacting or what. It's just like I have this tendency to keep people in the dark for some reason (can you say control freak - takes one to know one right?) if I don't feel they have a need to know, perhaps it comes from being so secretive about my personal life and the fact that my mom/step dad were alcoholics and then the abuse from my XH. XBF used to feel the same way as NG, why don't I share more. It's like I have this need to protect myself by not being an open book. I've read about this some place but can't remember all the details. There are so many things I like about NG, but there are also a couple of red flags that I think I am glossing over in my mind. I'm just not sure yet about him. Time will tell I suppose.

2008-08-10T21:47:00.002-04:00

Another reason why I think I need to be single. Because I live to the beat of my own drum and I don't want to join a band. I like my beat, my time, my way and now I have to decide which is more important to me, that or having someone to share my life with. I know I can share my life with someone and still have that to some degree, but I just hate having any discussion about changing the way I want to do things. The biggest problem is how I wait until the last minute to something the majority of the time. When someone disagrees with my decisions I just want to disengage. I don't want to compromise, I just want to do it my way, which is not fair to someone else, I know.

2008-08-06T08:03:00.003-04:00

First, in regard to the comments: not to say that I shouldn't show affection for NG but I'm confused about what is appropriate as well. I mean it was a pretty intense kiss. I wouldn't feel bad if it had just been a quick one or just a kiss on the lips, but it wasn't the way I would kiss someone in public at the park so I did feel I acted inappropriately.

I have to go out of town again and I'm really dreading telling the girls because I know they are going to be very upset. I hate that. Luckily this time I'm only going to be gone for four days instead of six so that should help out some. My friend T is staying with them this time. My dad was going to but he has been sick and is afraid that he might have another dizzy episode when with the kids so I had to find someone else. This is another time when I hate that I'm a single parent. It sucks to that I only have one grandparent to help out and no brothers, sister or cousins,but I guess I could have none.

I've been obsessing over what I want - a relationship or being single. I've been doing all the pro/cons and being in a relationship has more pros but I'm not sure I can find someone who wants the type of relationship I want, which is one where I have freedom to do things sans my partner even though we have limited time together. I think NG could do this except the fact that my time is so limited so he wants all the time I have. I feel bad that I want to do things that mean we may not get to see each other for two days but it doesn't bother me that we aren't. Does that mean that I don't really want to be in this relationship? I don't think so, but I think he would think that but I'm going to talk to him about it or otherwise we are going to end up the same place I was with XBF. I think there are some people that are completely happy to spend every minute and do everything with their partner but I also think there are people like me that don't and nothing is wrong with either, but you need to be with someone who has similar beliefs.

2008-07-30T06:33:00.003-04:00

Feeling kind of down lately, not sure why. Just blah. Sort of like, what's the point of life lately. Kinda tired of all the struggle just to get by... why does life have to be so complicated?

Got messages from XH on Classmates. I wouldn't have opened them but he set up a fake profile and sent them so they looked like they came from NG. Of course, he was bitching about NG meeting the girls and how I shouldn't have french kissed him in front of them even if I thought they were asleep in the back of the car. Which I know wasn't the best thing I've ever done, but I don't think it is going to cause them lasting harm if I don't make out in front of them all of the time. Whenever I hear from him, it just makes me want to run and hide. I hate that feeling.

2008-07-20T18:56:00.002-04:00

Sitting here on the couch doing nothing. Bliss. I am so lazy. Thanks to NG. He cleaned my house and made it more organized - an area I am severely lacking in skills. I try really hard but it seems I am missing that gene that most women have that relates to such things. After it's done, it all makes sense, but I just don't know where to put stuff. It's hard to explain.

NG and I are doing pretty well, but I'm still holding back, though he probably doesn't know that. I want so much to let go of my reserve, but I can't. It's like I just don't believe in love anymore, that it's possible for me. I think other people can have it, but I'm just too neurotic. It's as if I feel like it is easier to be alone than to open myself up to rejection. That the whole thing is just too much trouble. I don't want to be nervous that my messiness is going to get on his nerves eventually even if he says now it won't I know it will and it's like this black cloud hanging over this relationship. Like my laziness, I know I'm lazy and I'm not proud of it, but it doesn't matter when I'm the only one that has to deal with the consequences of it. When you are with someone, then they judge you and I'm just so sick of being judged and found wanting. I guess that is the nub of it, I just feel to deficient to be loved.

2008-07-10T11:43:00.002-04:00

From Cat at Never Judge a Book by It's Cover

Another Reading List
“Someone” reckons that the average adult has only read 6 of the top 100 books they’ve printed. It’s not the Big Read though — they don’t publish books, and they’ve only featured these books so far. In any event . . .

1) Look at the list and bold those you have read.
2) Italicize those you started but did not finish.
3) Underline the books you LOVE.
4) Reprint this list in your own blog so we can try and track down these people who’ve read 6 or less and force books upon them.

1. The Time Traveller’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
2. The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
3. The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
4. Lord of the Flies - William Golding
5. Life of Pi - Yann Martel
6. The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
7. The Color Purple - Alice Walker
8. Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
9. Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
10. To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
11. Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
12. Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
13. His Dark Materials (trilogy) - Philip Pullman
14. Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
15. Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
16. The Hobbit - J.R.R. Tolkien
17. Catcher in the Rye - J.D. Salinger
18. Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
19. Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
20. Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
21. Chronicles of Narnia - C.S. Lewis
22. The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe – C.S. Lewis
23. Winnie the Pooh - A.A. Milne
24. Animal Farm - George Orwell
25. Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
26. Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
27. On The Road - Jack Kerouac
28. Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
29. Charlotte’s Web - E.B. White
30. Hamlet - William Shakespeare
31. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
32. Complete Works of Shakespeare
33. Ulysses - James Joyce
34. Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
35. Les Miserables - Victor Hugo
36. Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
37. The Bible
38. The Great Gatsby - F. Scott Fitzgerald
39. War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
40. Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
41. Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
42. The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
43. One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44. Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
45. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
46. Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
47. The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
48. A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
49. The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
50. Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
51. Little Women - Louisa M. Alcott
52. Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
53. Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
54. Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
55. Middlemarch - George Eliot
56. Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
57. Bleak House - Charles Dickens
58. The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
59. David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
60. Emma - Jane Austen
61. Persuasion - Jane Austen
62. Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
63. Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
64. The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
65. A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
66. The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
67. Anne of Green Gables – L.M. Montgomery
68. Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
69. Atonement - Ian McEwan
70. Dune - Frank Herbert
71. Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
72. A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
73. The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
74. A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
75. Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
76. The Secret History - Donna Tartt
77. The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
78. Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
79. Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
80. Bridget Jones’ Diary - Helen Fielding
81. Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
82. Moby Dick - Herman Melville
83. Dracula - Bram Stoker
84. Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
85. The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
86. Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
87. Germinal - Emile Zola
88. Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
89. Possession - A.S. Byatt
90. A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
91. Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
92. The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
93. Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
94. A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
95. The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
96. The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
97. The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
98. Watership Down – Richard Adams
99. A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
100. The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas

2008-07-07T20:55:00.003-04:00

Vacay was just what the doctor ordered for the fam - the girls had five whole days of my undivided attention. We had a great time. I think the thing they enjoyed the most though was pushing me in the pool with my clothes on - or maybe the picture of me when we came down the hill on the log flume ride where I look like I'm taking a shit right in the log LOL. Yes, I am a tad afraid of heights, but I still ride the rides, that's how I roll (kicking and screaming - no not really but on the inside!).

NG was definitely different from XBF because he didn't call excessively, which I appreciated. XBF used to wear me out - it was like he thought if he didn't talk to me at least every two hours I was going to run off with the next guy that came into my orbit or something.

My mom is really freaking me out. She is starting to become my step-father. She treats her bf like my stepdad treated her and she is also very touchy. It's so weird - it's like she's become possessed by him. I guess living with that so long rubs off or something. We talked about it today and she talked about how damaged she was by my stepdad, which is a big admission for her. I think she may finally be getting out from under his thumb after he's been dead for almost 2 years. It's amazing the control he had over her even in death. She also admitted that she sees that she acts like him too so I think there is hope for her.

I can't remember who's blog I was reading where they talked about how they just go through men. They are happy for a while and then get restless - that's me in a nutshell. I think they call it a love addict or something...you always want that high you get in the beginning of a relationship and after it's gone you move on to the next one. I think that is part of my problem. The other part, I'm not sure about. I think I like the chase and then once they are "conquered" I'm done. Isn't that awful, but I really do think it's my problem. Not sure what to do about it.

2008-07-01T20:19:00.002-04:00

Okay, maybe a week or two is pushing it but when you consider that for instance that sometimes I have my girls for two weekends in a row and then I might have to go out of town, when does that leave time for anyone? So, once again we come to my main problem, having time for a relationship. I think what I really need is a FWB and I thought that was what NG and I were going to have. When we met I told him, I'm just looking for someone to have fun with - I don't have time for a relationship nor do I want one. He told me the other day that he thought that was great when we first talked about it, in fact, he thought perfect, but now he wants more, and I'm feelin' that too, but the reality is what it is. He says he's fine with it, but I've heard all that before.

Leaving for vacay tomorrow! Woohoooo. I'm so excited and the girls are waaaaaaaaaaaay excited.

2008-06-27T21:32:00.003-04:00

Why oh why when you tell a guy that a) you don't like to be smothered, b) you like your freedom do they not believe you? Is it like a challenge to them? I mean, me, I would evaluate my feelings about this and if I thought I had a problem with these I'd move on. I mean that's why I tell them this because if it's a problem they need to move on because I am not changing it - I need a man that can handle that I'm not going to check in or let them know my every move or not have a problem with not seeing me for a week or two. Yes, I realize there are not many men like that, but I don't really give a fuck. Take it or leave it but don't ask me to change because it ain't gonna happen. I think this "relationship" is on its way to the dump.

Remember, you heard it here first. LOL

2008-06-27T21:19:00.002-04:00

Borrowed from Kimba

Wrath..

1. Who did you last get angry with?

my ex boyfriend

2. What is your weapon of choice?

sarcasm

3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex?

In defense of myself

4. How about of the same sex?

In my own defense

5. Who was the last person who got really angry at you?

my ex boyfriend

6. What is your pet peeve?

people who can't drive

7. Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily?

Unfortuantely, yes

Sloth..

1. What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you don't?

get my clothes and the kids ready the night before

2. What is the latest you've ever woken up?

9am since I had kids probably

4. What is the last lame excuse you made?

I don't usually make lame excuses

5. Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through?

No

6. When was the last time you got in a good workout?

Probably never - oh wait, where I work had a personal trainer come in and show us all how to work the new equipment a few months ago

7. How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today?

Don't have an alarm clock

Gluttony..

1. What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice?

Dr. Pepper ? LOL

2. Meat eaters: white meat or dark meat??

Both

3. What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event?

Six tequila shots in a row

4. Have you ever used a professional diet company?

No.

5. Do you have an issue with your weight?

A little - until I was 30 I never weighed over 120 now I'm 135 and at one point I was near 145

6. Do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy?

All of the above LOL - probably sweets

7. Have you ever looked at a small house pet or child and thought "lunch"?

No.

Lust..

1. How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family):

I've lost count

2. How many people have seen YOU naked (not counting physicians/family):

same as above

3. Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of the opposite gender during a normal conversation?

No

4. Have you ever kissed two people in one night?

Yes

5. What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice?

abs

6. Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute?

No

Greed..

1. How many credit cards do you own?

one

2. What's your guilty pleasure store?

Family Dollar LOL

3. Would you rather be rich, or famous?

Rich

4. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks?

Yeah, considering I'm already doing it for non-mega

5. Have you ever stolen anything?

No

6. How many MP3s are on your hard drive?
60 or so maybe

Pride..

1. What's one thing you have done that you're most proud of?

Going/graduating to college and holding a p/t job while raising 2 children on my own who were both younger than 3 (their Dad was there but not really helping)

2. What one thing have you done that your parents are most proud of?

same

3. What things would you like to accomplish in your life?

travel the world - don't see it happening

4. Do you get annoyed by coming in second place?

sometimes

5. Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors?

maybe

6. Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score?

no

7. What did you do today that you're proud of?

got out of bed

Envy..

1. What item (or person) of your friends would you most want to have for your own?

my friends house

2. Who would you want to go on "Trading Spaces" with?

my friend J

3. If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be?

me at 8

4. Have you ever been cheated on?

numerous times

5. Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own?

sometimes bigger boobs

6. What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself?

better memory

2008-06-26T22:09:00.002-04:00

The bad thing about being in a relationship with me is I have no time for you. Between work and the girls and sleep, I don't have time for a man. For instance, we get up around 630 or 7 leave the house at 830 (if I'm not going to be late which is mostly all of the time), I work until 530, go pick up the girls get home around 6, change clothes do a couple things around the house start dinner, bam it's 730 or so, eat clean up bam it's 830 put the girls in bed bam it's 9 - do I feel like having sex or even talking to someone? Hell no, I haven't had any me time all day. So, how the hell can I even have a relationship? I've tried to explain this to NG, but I don't think he's getting it. The reality of being with me is that it sucks for the guy (except of course for the sex LOL) but how often do they get it - not often. LOL
And, not to mention how many nights we go do something whether it be cheerleading, soccer, bday party, blah blah blah. I'd like to know how other women do it.

Fusion - that's us women - we analyze. LOL

-d that's sort of my thoughts, but I don't want to let him mentally fuck them up which I think he's capable of doing

rider - your welcome glad you back I read you before you stopped posting for a while and just happened to check back in on you and bam LOL

Oh, and XH called work again. He thinks he's being slick by blocking his number and whispering (which he is because now I can't prove it's him) but I know his voice. Yeah, he called this morning b4 I got to work and whispered, "I love you.". He needs to get a fucking life. How he has the nerve is beyond me.

2008-06-22T19:23:00.002-04:00

The girls seem to have had a really good time with their father this weekend. They also seem very relaxed which leads me to believe that perhaps he didn't spew any poison this weekend. When they have times like these, I feel good about facilitating their relationship with him.

I spent the weekend with new guy, henceforth known as NG. We had a great weekend together. I went out with my friend T Friday night and he wanted me to come to his place afterwards, which I did. About 20 minutes after I got there, T called. She had been pulled over by the cops and if I came and got her, they wouldnt' give her a DUI. She was really lucky. She came back to his house with me and stayed almost the whole time I was there asleep in the basement. He seemed to handle it pretty well considering he has never met her before. Later she apologized for intruding on "our" weekend and he said no problem and he never said anything bad about it to me either. I was impressed because it did irritate me a little. However, I think she just didn't want to be alone. I know I wouldn't have done the same, but I'm trying to be more "out of the box".

I'm also feeling kinda weird - not sure why. Just sorta anxious about this new relationship. Afraid of getting hurt, afraid of the whole thing. I just don't want to go through all the bs again. I keep thinking, yeah, he's great now but how will he feel 10 years from now. I'm just so confused. Maybe I'm really afraid about how I will feel 10 years from now.

2008-06-19T16:49:00.002-04:00

How sad is it that your daughter doesn't want to call you and wish you happy father's day because it's too much pressure????? On Father's day I stopped at a convenience store so the girls could call and wish their dad Happy Father's Day since they couldn't spend it with him and they didn't want to call because he might "act" weird (i.e. rant about not getting to see them which is his fault because he doesn't have a car and is on house arrest or ask 20 questions about mommy and her life they don't want to answer). So, I just pulled back out and we went on our way. They did send him a card. Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing the right thing by supporting their relationship, which I hope the therapist will answer for me.

Today is XBF bday. I did not call and wish him happy bday because I think that would give the wrong impression. He did call and left a message because I didn't answer the phone telling me what a prick I was for not calling and at least wishing him happy bday. Last year I totally forgot his bday because I was so obsessed with planning his father's day stuff. He was quite upset. I felt really bad but I think that just shows where I was in that relationship - who forgets their signifcant other's bday? Someone who's not to into you that's who.

2008-06-18T06:36:00.001-04:00

Well, all my talk about not getting involved right away has went right down the toilet. I know I am being irresponsible, I know I'm going too fast, I know this is a recipe for disaster, I know I'm letting my feelings rule me instead of my head, I know I'm headed for trouble, I know, I know, I know. Do you think that is stopping me? No, it's just giving me a mind fuck beyond all proportions. Falling for someone was a whole lot less complicated when I was 18, now I'm so damn suspicious and everything he says, I hear this little voice in my head saying, "Bullshit". It really ruins the moments. So instead of enjoying being called beautiful, wonderful, etc., I call bullshit all the time. It's getting really depressing.

Like, I read so many blogs about women who leave a bad relationship and then meet a guy and it's all wonderful, then it goes to shit, they break up and then they meet another guy and it's all wonderful blah blah blah and I just can't ever do that. I don't think I can believe in happy ever after anymore - I'm just too jaded. When I read how perfect they are, or how sweet he is, I think to myself, just wait sweetie, he'll show his true colors soon. No offense to anyone, I sorta wish I could be like that, sorta, maybe. I mean I'm happy for them but I just don't have faith anymore.

The fact is, I just don't trust people anymore. I'm "in the box" as The Arbinger Institute would say and I don't want to be out.

So, here I am once again due to my inability to play hard to get. I mean, truthfully, I'm having all those chemical reactions going on and it is intense, but I think that is half my problem, I know it is just a biological reaction. Maybe watching that documentary on the chemistry of love was a bad idea, OR MAYBE we should make teenagers watch it! LOL

Not to mention the feelings I'm having related to XBF. Yes, I know, what the fuck. Well, I really think I did love him and maybe still do, but I know he is bad for me and the girls so I can't go there. Maybe it's just the whole attachment thing after being together for so long I guess, but don't worry, I would never go back. We're done. I did tell him I was seeing someone else - didn't go over too well, but that's not my problem. He says he is still not giving up though, but I know once he moves on, he'll be over it. He just has to find somone to take his mind off of it.

2008-06-06T00:11:00.002-04:00

Lori - thanks for visiting and sharing! LOL Those losers will figure out one day what they missed out on.

Leah - because I know that I have a hard time letting go of my inhibitions when I don't know someone very well, unless I'm drunk, and sex for me is only mindblowing when I can let go of them. Did that make sense. The new guy is 8 years younger than me (I know, I've got to quit with the younger guys! LOL it never works out for me) and I met him through a friend of a friend. When T and I went out, she ended up hooking up with this guy we both knew from hs and so he called this guy over to entertain me (I'm inferring, he didn't say that, but I mean why the hell else did he call him? LOL) while they got it on and we danced together for about an hour and then kissed for about another and then fell asleep and then the next morning I gave him a ride home, he invited me in and made me breakfast and then one thing led to another and we spent the whole day together and we're supposed to go to dinner this weekend and a movie. The guy my friend T was with told T he thought his friend was in love.

Brun - actually there are 5 of them LOL not including XBF who still hasn't given up but has at least stopped stalking/harassing me.

Irish - I think it was your generation that created this whole dilemma LOL

2amsomewhere - do you agree that it is a generational thing?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Brought a car home for the dealership for an overnight test drive - a Buick Rendevous - I'm really lovin' it - it's one of the top of the line model but used. I really want it, but I know I shouldn't. Car payments suck.

Going back to San Antonio in August - haven't made any plans yet. I keep putting it off because I know the girls aren't going to like it, but at least this time, I'll only be gone 4 days instead of 6.

I'm starting to get my life back, finally. I'm starting to be that happy go lucky girl I used to be before I met my X husband and it feels so good to be happy to be alive.

2008-06-03T23:12:00.002-04:00

I'm having a dilemma - to shave or not to shave down there. I feel like I'm one of those scary hairy women but I also don't like being completely bare because then I feel like some kind of juvenile. Is there a happy medium? Do guys really like it all non-hair - I mean to me it just looks plain weird, like a child's vajayjay and if they like that what does that say about them IMO.

Yes, I have had sex with a new person and yes, it was quite ...nerve wracking... at first...then it was good, but not as good as with X but I know that's because I was so comfortable with him, right? Say, right! Because if sex is going to be like this, I'm going to have troubles. I am also juggling men and I feel weird about that too. I feel like I should say something but what? Help!

2008-05-26T22:53:00.002-04:00

Did Memorial Day the old fashioned way - spent all day driving from one cemetary to the other. Each of my parents' parents are buried in different places and so is my step-dad, plus we stopped and visited along the way.

My oldest cried buckets at my grandmother's grave. I was sad, but did not cry. Sometimes I feel like I am slowly losing all of my feelings - it is almost like I am numb sometimes or I have to work at having them. When I talked to the girls therapist she really seemed to think I need to talk to someone - she wondered how I handle all that I have on my plate. I know I don't deal with my emotions, I just block them out somehow, if I can't afford to "feel" I don't, if I can I do, which surprise surprise is not very often. "They" say that's really bad, but sometimes I wonder. I mean for instance, XBF, he can't shut off his feelings for me and look where he is, a basket case. Well, actually, he is getting better, but there for a while it seemed iffy and it was so hard to stay the course and not give in just to make him feel better, but I knew it would just start the whole cycle all over again. But, boy, is it hard!

Somehow, I managed to get sick too. Friday night I felt that tickle in my throat and I've been stopped up ever since. It's freaking miserable and I can't even buy Sudafed because of the freaking meth heads. What a crock of shit. I don't think you can even get Sudafed without a prescription here now. LOL I found one I had leftover after lieing in bed for about 20 minutes suffering with the stuffed up nose and can't breath shit. It's only a 12 hour one though - but maybe I'll be able to sleep. If I still feel this way tomorrow, I'm calling the doctor and ask for a prescription!

2008-05-25T13:51:00.002-04:00

I think I need to buy me some vitamins! or stop staying out so late maybe. Now, I have some kind of sickness (either allergies or a cold) on top of it. This sucks.

Went out Friday night with my friend T. Had a pretty decent time.

XH picked up my oldest, my youngest went on a camping trip with a friend so I am childless until tomorrow. It's so weird not hearing mommy about ever 10 minutes - I like it and don't like it all at the same time.

XBF has still not given up. I swear he has to be getting tired of the no's all the time, I know I am! Which is what he's waiting for so I have to be strong - it's hard though when you are lonely.

2008-05-14T17:45:00.003-04:00

Training has been grueling, but it probably didn't help that I had a hangover on Tue. Went out Monday night and had an absolute blast. Met some fun people. I really love San Antonio.

The webcams I bought are working great. I'm so glad I bought them because I think it has really helped the girls to be able to "see" me as well as talk to me.

Well, going down to the pool to soak up some sun before it goes down.

2008-05-09T02:19:00.002-04:00

Had some work done to my car - a/c repaired, oil changed and turns out some kind of belt and pulley needed replaced for a grand total of $260 - I didn't think it was that bad actually but it still sucked. I still need to get the grill and hood fixed and the seatbelt in the back, if that's even possible. I probably should just trade it in or something but I don't want a car payment and I can't afford to buy a car outright.

Leaving to go to the Columbus Zoo in two hours, I better get back to sleep. I got online to see if I had rec'd my stimulus payment and thank goodness it is there.

2008-05-06T22:57:00.003-04:00

Locked myself out of the house this morning before work. My littlest and I were going outside to "play volleyball" (i.e. volley one of those cheap bouncy balls back and forth) at 8 in the morning. My oldest had spent the night at her friends house and littlest was feeling left out so I had told her we would go to breakfast somewhere in the morning before I took her to school but then she decided she would rather do that. Instead, we spent the whole morning getting back in. LOL She handled it like a champ. I thought for sure she would whine, but she really surprised me. Both of my girls seem like they are on the upswing this week - thank goodness!

Ended up being late to work - AGAIN. I'm so sick of being late. No one says anything but I feel so bad about it.

My dad came to littlest soccer practice and then we were supposed to go out to eat, but littlest was tired so he just went and picked up something and brought it back. He stayed for a long while and it was a good visit. Probably since his wife didn't come. I know that sounds snarky, but it is the truth. I was proud to show off my new place too and I know my dad was impressed. I mean this is the first place I've lived in that even comes close to how they live. Yay me. Not to say that my dad tries to make me feel bad, he is always telling me how proud he is of me and how much I've overcome, but I always feel like I'm trying to prove something to him and her for some reason. I think because I think she thought and maybe him too (is that enough thinks!) that I would never amount to anything. Ha - showed them. That's probably not a good way to feel either, but it's the truth.

Just out of curiousity - who are you guys voting for in the pres race?

2008-05-05T22:24:00.003-04:00

What a weekend! Wheeeewww! I was so ready to go to work to have a break! LOL I had five kids almost all weekend and boy was I ready to go to the funny farm. A friend of mine needed me to watch her kids. I really admire people who have more than two.

I can't believe I leave on Sunday. I'm sorta dreading it - I feel bad for leaving my kids but I have to go this training as part of my job and like my dad says, it isn't going to kill them. Truth be known, maybe they'll appreciate me more. LOL They sure do take me for granted. Well, sorta. They both write me sweet notes sometimes - like today I had one from my oldest that said, "Happy Early Mother's Day. I worked really hard on your gift for Mother's Day. I hope you like it. I love you very much Mommy. Love ***". She can be so sweet sometimes. I think if she hadn't been through all that she has, that is the way she would be all of the time.

I had an appt with the family therapist on Wed. I think this is really going to help us. As I talked to her about everything I realized how much my kids have been through and how well they are doing considering. I think it will be really good for the girls to have someone to talk to who is their confidant because I think they really need it. I hope this works out.

XH left me a message on my voicemail on Fri about how he wanted to pick the girls up from school so he could get their pictures made together. I hadn't changed my message on my voicemail yet so he didn't know I wasn't in. He called again and was like why haven't you emailed me - cuz even though I blocked his email addy, I can still email him. I though about it a while and then I emailed him back the following:

I debated about responding to your voicemails because I feel like you had your chance to have a communication channel to facilitate visitations but you chose to abuse it. When you don't have to face consequences, one tends to repeat bad behaviour. However, in the best interests of Jordan and Sara, I am responding to tell you the following:

1. Call me at work one more time and I will press charges. I have already spoken with Det. *** at the *** Police department and he has a report ready and will charge you with stalking/harassment, all I have to do is say the word. In addition, the court order may be old, but it is still in effect until it is changed. Your handling of the email communication proved that you are not ready to communicate directly with me. Furthermore, if I wanted to be vindictive I would have already pressed charges. I don't wish you any ill, but I will not be treated with disrespect by you or anyone else. I've learned my lesson - we teach people how to treat us. I realize in the past I taught you that I could be treated like a doormat, but I'm not that person anymore. You treat me with respect and I'll do the same.

2. Plan in advance. It is very inconsiderate to call on the day you want to change things and expect plans to be changed/made to accomodate you.

3.*** is not feeling well so pictures probably would not be a good idea. Therefore, today is not a good day to pick them up from school.

4. *** has a soccer game at 9 in the morning at the *** field. Directions can be found on their site as well as the complete schedule. http://**************** if she ends up coming for your visit - right now she is not feeling well.

Thank you.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

So, what does he do. Call and cancel visitation. I didn't care and turns out neither did the girls. It's his loss and probably better for them.

Found out today that he called my dad's and left some kind of ranting message. Dad called his home confinement officer. XH does that sometimes. Like he's in grade school tattling on me. He is so immature. Sometimes I can't believe I'm finally free of him - I guess truth be told I should thank my cousin, but I just can't bring myself to do that because what she did was wrong.

I think things are really starting to come together for me. I knew living on my own was what I needed and I was right. XBF is really sad about it, but like I told him, he needs to move on. I printed out a bunch of stuff from that site getting past your past and told him to read it, learn it, live it. He wasn't too impressed LOL

2008-05-02T08:23:00.002-04:00

Was at the emergency room last night until midnight with my youngest. She was having severe stomach pains. I always freak out because my good friend's daughter died from a burst appendix. The only symptoms she had was nausea and fever. She died in the emergency room in her mom's arms. Everytime I think about it, I start to cry. I can't even imagine how you cope with that. My friend is very religious and I think her faith has helped her a lot and she seems to be coping, but still...

I'm so tired.

2008-04-30T00:24:00.002-04:00

Thanks so much for the supportive comments. I think that I actually said the word police/restraining order was the magic words. I think he might finally be gettting it.

Today was a good day. Haven't really had one of those in a while - a day where I feel happy and carefree. Up again eating in the middle of the night but at least I didn't eat very much. I really would like to lose about 10 pounds.

I was reading an article on this blog today, Getting Past Your Past, and it had a really great article on abusive relationships and how you are responsible for how people treat you and to quit blaming the other person and I think a lot of it is relevant to me. I think I'm being nice, but I'm not, I'm just being a wimp. I need to stand up for myself and quit worrying about assholes that are taking advantage of me. Sounds real good when I say it, but I need to work on the whole implementation part.

The family counselor office person called yesterday and they had a cancellation so my appt for my oldest daughter got moved up to tomorrow well I guess it is today LOL. They go to their dads this weekend - if he gets them. Time will tell.

Well I better get back to bed so I don't feel like shit tomorrow.

2008-04-29T00:45:00.002-04:00

Went out Friday night with T. Had a pretty good time, but I think I'm getting too old. X had a heart attack about it. He just can't seem to get it through his head that we are over and its none of his business what I'm doing.

He actually wrote on my door to my house and my car window. The door message was Do Unto Others and the car was What Tangled Webs We Weave. How juvenile is that???? I called him and told him if he did one more thing I was going to the police. He tried to act all innoncent but I wasn't having it. I told him he was acting like a psycho and he needed to get counseling. We had quite the conversation.

He said he thinks I like the drama. No, I'm just not going to let him dictate my life just because he is making it difficult. At first, I was not going out or anything because I knew this would happen, but then I realized that is letting him rule my life, which is the whole reason I moved out. But to him, its because I like drama. Jerk.

2008-04-25T06:05:00.002-04:00

Leah - I probably could, but then I'd have to go out and buy a bunch of kitchen stuff. My only cooking utensil I have right now is a plastic spoon! LOL I've been cooking everything with it, even fried eggs. My friend T was shocked. I am planning on getting the rest of it this weekend.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Things are going kind of smoothly right now. I'm working with the kids on this conflict management stuff I found on the 'net - using when you I feel because and I want statements. It seems to be working, but that's how it always is in the beginning then they get over the "newness". We'll see if I can keep it going.

Going out of town in May to San Antonio again. I'm excited. I love going there. Riverwalk is so neat.

I guess there was a reason I didn't win tickets to that concert I wanted to go to - my youngest daughter's field trip has turned out to be the next day and we have to be at the school at 6 am that morning!

Well, I didn't get up in the middle of the night and pig out last night. Yay me!

2008-04-23T00:16:00.003-04:00

It's 1am and I just ate 4 brownies. Bad, very bad, but they were good, very good!

It's a miracle, but my big items got moved today!!!! The stars somehow magically aligned and he called me at 5pm to ask if I could be availble after soccer practice. I told him I had about 45 minutes between soccer and gymnastics if that was suitable and it actually happened. So, I have probably about 4-5 boxes of stuff I still have to pack and then the stuff that is already packed in the attic, and I'm done!!! I will be officially moved out. I feel like I won the lottery today. Of course, he was acting all weird when they moved it in. Later, after gymnastics he showed up in the parking lot because he "wanted a kiss". Luckily, a friend had walked out with us so he was too embarrassed to follow through. Another near miss.

2008-04-19T00:47:00.003-04:00

Got up to eat a pop tart. I know I need to quit eating this time of the night/morning, but I am craving a chocolate pop-tart!

X didn't pick up the kids this weekend. His step-father had to work. I guess they say this stuff to look good to the visitation people, because they know I know they are full of bs. However, I know I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth. The less time spent with them the better!!! I don't know why they don't fund visitation centers for every divorce that is high conflict and not just domestic violence. It really eliminates any confrontation. I think I should start a business providing third party communication for X spouses so communication can't degenerate into fights. It would help a lot I think. I know this has really helped me. I can't imagine having to see him or his family - it's bad enough just on the main holidays, but luckily his step-father came last Xmas. He's not too bad.

Took the girls to get their hamsters today. They were so excited. We technically aren't allowed to have pets, but I don't think hamsters count...well the landlord probably would, but who will know? If he ever has to come here, I'll hide them in the closet. LOL

They also went to the dentist - no cavities! Hooray! They did have a lot of tartar and the hygenist gave them a stern lecture. I think the msg that if they do a better job brushing they won't have to suffer so much (with the hook thingy - what is that called?) will help the most.

I had plans to go out with a friend from work but cancelled. Probably for the best. I'm sure STBXBF would freak. I know I need to file a protective order, but I feel like I should say something first like, leave me alone or I'm going to file this, but I want to get the rest of my stuff first. Hopefully, I can get that done this weekend.

I was planning on going shopping for the girls some clothes this weekend because taking them is like a nightmare. It's a lot easier to do it on my own. Until they are old enough for me to give them money and say go find what you want with this amount, I'm doing it this way. I can find stuff they like for a lot cheaper. They just see it and want it no matter the price. I wish I had someone, anyone, who could take the kids like a grandma would or a sister. I'm glad I had two so mine won't be in this position. I mean I know sisters become estranged, but hopefully that won't happen.

Sometimes I'm so envious of my friend J. She has two sisters and her parents are still married to each other. Their always there for each other and take family vacations. I mean, I know they have their problems too, just like me, because I've been there, but it would be nice to be part of a family that I could depend on. Is there a place where you can adopt one? LOL

Boy, maybe I should post at 1am more often, I'm quite wordy today.

2008-04-17T21:50:00.002-04:00

140 pounds creeped back up on me so I decided to try the Atkins diet - not for me. I lasted 4 days on induction. I just can't hang. LOL I need chocolate.

Having a hard time being hard (i.e. rejecting STBXBF). He calls and asks me to lunch, I say no. He calls and asks me to dinner. I say no. I mean, WTF. Is he a gluttton for punishment. Why is he doing this to himself???? Doesn't he have any pride???? Backbone???? Plus, I mean, after the way he has acted, HAS HE NO SHAME? I started thinking today about how much money he owes me (in theory - I never said he had to pay me back when I was paying all the bills at our old place because I thought he was moving out - DUH - yes I am stupid). I'm really starting to despise him.

The kids have also been hell on wheels this week. However, since I started my period tonight, maybe it was just me. LOL

2008-04-13T08:09:00.002-04:00

What a weekend. I am totally worn out. I didn't get to sleep in this morning because STBXBF called and woke me up. We have always had problems about telephone etiquette. That sounds prissy. LOL But, it's the truth. He is one of those people who talks to you when you are on the phone. That irritates me to no end. He also never thinks it might be a bad time to call. Case in point this morning. And, what he wanted? First he asks me what I did last night (keep in mind that he stopped over here around 9PM and he knew each of my girls had a friend over - WTF did he think I did????), so I say, Uh went to sleep. Then he says, what did you do Fri night? He knows that I did the Brownie sleepover thing, so I repeat what he already knows and he said, you didn't go to the concert (there was a big country star in town last night and he knows I like to go) - and I said no. By this time, I have an attitude. Then he asks me if I know his friend Doug. I say not really, why? Then he mentions the concert again. I lose my temper and go off. He apologizes we hang up. Can you friggin believe him. I know, I know, I should tell him it is none of his business, but then that just perpetuates things. And, I know that I am feeding the fire, but I'm working on my defenses. They are a work in progress.

I talked to my friend T last night and I told her that I do not miss him at all. Nada. Zilch. Nothing. I think that speaks louder than anything.

I'm thinking maybe today I can move some more of my stuff after I take their friends home. The sooner I have no ties to him the better.

I'm also working on my detachment process from the article How to Know You are Dating a Loser - this article is the bible for me right now. I keep reading it and reading it to help me not fall victim to his brainwashing tactics. The weirdest thing is how hard it is for me not to "check in" and feel like I have to "report to him", but I'm working on it!!!!!!!!!!!!1

2008-04-10T22:04:00.001-04:00

brunilda - thanks for visiting and your suggestion re: getting my shit together b4 I attempt another relationship is spot on

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I need a pause button for life. I am so overwhelmed right now, but I have no one to blame but myself. I had a rule that the girls could only be involved in one activity at a time but somehow we are in Girl Scouts, soccer, gymnastics, and Awanas. Of course, we only have one meeting a month for girl scouts on the 1st of the month, T& TH is soccer practice from 6-7, gymnastics on Tue from 730 until 830, Awanas on Wed from 630 to 8. Tonight is the first night I've been home before 8 all week! Arrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!!! Like I said, I need a pause button!

STBXBF is trying the same trick that my EH used to use - act like nothing is wrong and act like I'm stupid when I call you on it. It drives me up the wall. Yesterday he happened to pick up his daughter from the afterschool program at the same time I was picking up mine and he came over and asked for a kiss? Are you f'ing kidding me???? My ex used to do this too. Another thing that irritates me is when he compares him violating my boundaries to me refusing to get with his program (i.e. get back together).

2008-04-08T00:53:00.001-04:00

I was filling out a survey that had been posted on my high school reunion myspace. One of the questions was: What are 3 things about you no one probably knows? As I read the question, 2 things immediately came to mind. I've been raped and I'm a domestic violence survivor. Did I write that - no. Why not? Because I am ashamed. Even though I know the rape was not my fault, I still am ashamed of it. It is not something you can just throw out in conversation, like I got hit by a car. No one is going to think less of you because you got hit by a car, but many people will think differently of you if they know you have been raped, whether it be pity or contempt.

I was raped at a friends house. Someone broke in. I'm not sure how, but the news found out what happened and they filmed the house where it happened. Many of my friend's friends saw it on TV and immediately thought my friend had been raped. She told them it wasn't her and of course they asked who. Why she told them, I still don't know. Personally, if it had been me, I would've said, it's not up to me to tell you, but she did tell them. As a person who is quite private, it was hard dealing with so many people knowing what happened to me but there was nothing I could do about it. Truly, no one who knows treats me different, but I do feel self-conscious. It's like I feel like they are judging me even if they aren't. I think that is what sucks the most for me about being raped - I don't feel like people who know see me anymore, they see a rape victim and I hate that. I feel like people think I should be different - less happy, less outgoing, more timid, more cautious. No one has ever said that but it is in my head and I hate it.

The other thing is, when do you tell someone who doesn't know. I mean this is something life changing that happened to me, but for people who didn't know me then, it's something that normally doesn't come up in conversation but sometimes I want to talk about it but I feel like its just too much but I also feel like I'm hiding it. Not that I'm planning it anytime soon, but what about when I get involved with a new guy since stuff with STBXBF is almost done. When do you tell that person and won't it change who you are in their eyes?

2008-04-04T18:34:00.000-04:00

First, since I am quite sporadic in my blogging, I'm going to answer comments here:

mb - thanks for visiting and commenting!

d- that is my biggest worry and in some ways he has, which is why I think I should, but as I said in my post, the girls seem happier when they are seeing him on a consistent basis - there has been a couple of times since we separated in 2004 that he would go 6 months withoug seeing them and I could see it was bothering my oldest and somewhat my youngest - I'll email you the link to my old blog so you can read the history if you are interested - let me know

*************************************************************

So far EXhusband hasn't called or bothered me anymore. His mom did pick up the girls from the visitation center this weekend so we will see what the girls come home and say.

STBXBF - this has become exactly like that song the long goodbye. I know its best if I just cut him off but I'm having a hard time actually doing it. Plus I still need to get some of my stuff that I haven't moved yet - nothing I can't do w/out - but I am sick and tired of leaving my stuff behind. He complicates things by saying he doesn't want strangers in his house - but he keeps giving me bs why he can't get anyone to move it (i.e. his friends with trucks). Arrrrrggggggggh.

I know I am doing something wrong to attract two guys w/almost exactly the same problems - can't hold a job, mommy issues, drinking problems, self-esteem issues, jealousy - yep, I keep hitting the jackpot. I mean, seriously, don't most guys have pride and when I move out and make it as difficult as possible, don't you start to give up or find other women more attractive or at least thing why am I putting up with this treatment?

2008-03-26T15:15:00.001-04:00

Well, I had to turn off the email account because psycho was getting out of hand. The police came and took a report yesterday but I held off on them doing anything yet because after I sent the last email telling him what I was doing he hasn't called my work phone and left anymore nasty messages. I am quite confused as to whether or not I should do anything. One part says I should just to show him that I mean business, and then the other parts says if I do, the kids won't get to see him for well over a year and maybe longer because his home confinement will be revoked and he could get 1 to 10. One part of me says they will be better off without seeing him because more than likely it is not good for them, but it seems like the kids are happier when they are seeing him. It is all so confusing. I know I'm the parent, but I really am having a hard time figuring out the best course of action.

I finally got a couch and a TV. I bought this 51" projection TV for $200. The girls love it - so, I hardly ever get to watch it. LOL Unless I want to watch Drake & Josh or Hannah Montana.

The house is an absolute mess. Hopefully, this weekend I will get it in some kind of shape. LilGirl got her backflip last night at gymnastics - she was sooooooooo excited!!! BabyGirl's soccer practiced was cancelled - she was quite bummed.

I'm trying to figure out something that I would like to get involved in to help me expand my social circle, but so far am coming up empty. I've also thought of founding a Parents Without Partners group in my area because I really need a support network since I don't have anyone and I'm sure there are a lot of people out there in the same boat - but considering that I'm already swamped for time, is that possible????? Still pondering....

2008-03-03T23:27:00.000-05:00

Have been moved in for about a month now. Things are better and worse. The total mess is making me crazy. Not having to live with J, worth it. I have no furniture in the living room except for my desk. He still hasn't moved my dresser or hutch. The washer and dryer are mine, but I feel like I don't have the right to them.

I thought the girls would be happier, especially my oldest, but I really don't see that big of a change. I have scheduled us for family counseling. Something has to give. I can't take this constant unhappiness. Why is she so unhappy practically all the time? Did I make a mistake leaving her dad? No. My mistake is thinking she can understand that. To her, he is her daddy. She doesn't know how crazy D is, yet. Hopefully, she will never see the true evilness that I know him to be, or that he can be. He can put on a good act. I certainly fell for it for 11 years. I know the reason I am back on this track. This contact we are having through email. I set it up because since the girls are getting older and more involved in stuff, I thought enough time had passed, that he could handle it. Plus, since J and I are no longer together, I wouldn't be hiding it from anyone. Stupid, stupid, stupid. He is still obsessed with me. My friend T makes jokes about how she can get a man and I can't get rid of them. The grass always seems greener on the other side.

Will I ever enjoy life again? Sometimes I wonder.