Gotta Go My Own Way

noreply@blogger.com (cassee01) — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 19:39:00 +0000

I am quite shocked at the negative attitude my daughters have towards Obama and I can't help but wonder where they picked it up (school?). I don't really talk politics around my house but the girls do know I voted for Obama way back when and I did explain to them why I was voting for him because during the primary they wanted Hilary (is it weird that they even cared?). In the last few months there have been a few instances where I have mentioned something like for example that our city wasn't having a regatta this year because of money problems and after I finished the sentence they added, "because of Obama.". They have added this to a few other things I have said and I find it quite odd. It makes me wonder where they are hearing all this negative Obama talk. When the whole Joe Wilson "you lie" thing happened, I was talking about it to NG and my littlest piped up and said, "that wouldn't have happened if they had McCain". I thought kids picked up their parents political attitudes? When the school address flap came up, I asked the kids if they had watched Obama and turns out they didn't - littlest said the teacher couldn't find the right channel and oldest said it came on too late? The Friday before his address I read a couple articles online about it and some of the comments were shocking to me; I couldn't believe people felt that the President speaking to children in school was some kind of brainwashing plan. I guess Bush did it too way back when and I don't remember being concerned about it. What I find really ridiculous is how so many conservatives blame Obama for the mess we're in - he's been in office for what a whole 9 months and the stuff that caused most of the economic crisis happened before he even took office!!! Then the whole he's not eligible to be President thing is even more hilarious. Now, I wish I had made a bigger deal out of Gore winning the national vote but not the electoral college. Okay enough politics for today.

noreply@blogger.com (cassee01) — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 13:02:00 +0000

The other night the girls were talking about how they miss their dad's parents, which made me feel kinda guilty. A few of my friends that are in similar situations feel that the best thing to do is to allow access and let the kids figure it out for themselves, which I probably would have done should they have made any effort whatsoever to contact me to see the kids, which they haven't. I know in his mom's twisted mind, his being in prison is all my fault and I'm sure they would portray it that way to the girls. That in a nutshell is the problem, I am almost positive they would talk about inappropriate things with the girls should they be allowed to see them, which I don't want. It comes down to the girls hearing lies and the truth from me, but although I'm sure they believe me, I'm sure they also wonder why they are saying these things. It creates an atmosphere of uncertainty for them that I don't want them to experience and in my mind the only way to ensure that is for them to not be associated with his family.

Have I mentioned I can't breathe? The pregnancy is getting harder and harder - so totally different from my first two. I don't remember feeling all that miserable at all, but with this one, woobooy, she's a doozy. LOL

noreply@blogger.com (cassee01) — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 12:22:00 +0000

Crys - good idea

Fusion - the pregnancy is driving me INSANE. I am completely and utterly miserable - I am not one of those women who enjoy pregnancy. I want my body back!!!! I'm tired of not sleeping and having all these aches and pains. I could go on and on LOL but I'll take pity on you. Aren't you glad you asked?

Tulip - me too and I hope that will work for you

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The camping trip was actually pretty good considering how I felt about it. One of the couples that went had brought their grandchildren and the girl was the same age as my oldest and the boy was the same age as my youngest so they had built in playmates. I didn't have to do any cooking which was good and relaxed mostly. I was irritated because we gave his parents $60 to buy dinner stuff and we ended up eating hot dogs and hamburger every night - two nights I could have handled but three is a little much. It really wasn't their fault though because one of the couples wanted to wait to cook chicken until the next night and then somehow they ended up not cooking their hamburgers and hotdogs so the night they had said we were going to do chicken they did hamburgers and hotdogs. I don't think that made much sense, but anyways it irritated me.

noreply@blogger.com (cassee01) — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 16:45:00 +0000

Be prepared for a vent fest. We're supposed to go camping this weekend. We were supposed to go to a place where they have a pool. Today I find out that the place has been changed to a place that doesn't have a pool, but they do have a swimming beach on a lake. Color me not happy. Why? Because I agreed to go to a place that had a pool and that's what I want dammit. Why does it matter so much? It doesn't really, but it does. Waaaaaaaaaaah. NG is really looking forward to the trip so when he told me the change in plans, I kept my dismay to myself (I know self-sabotage). He didn't change the plans, the people we are going with did. I sorta feel like telling him to go ahead and go with his son D and the girls can go if they want too, but I know he'll be hurt, even though last time we didn't really spend much time together so why should it matter? Which brings me to a whole 'nother issue - once again I'm starting to feel like I've been bait and switched. I remember making my views on things (kids, activities, life motto) pretty clear in the beginning and now I feel as if it's all being overwritten. Maybe I'm just hormonal. All I know is that I'm starting to feel a little managed and I don't like it - at all. Waaaaaaaaaaaaah. That's how I feel. Why are relationships always so difficult. Why don't people listen when I talk and if they don't like what they hear, go away instead of trying to change me and my views. Which I have to say some of the changes have been for the better (girls nutrition, behavior) so where does that leave me? Am I just a control freak?

noreply@blogger.com (cassee01) — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 19:33:00 +0000

Can I just say that I hate women that love being pregnant? It's driving me batty. I hate feeling like I'm carrying around a basketball under my tummy. That I can't bend over. That I can't sleep. That I have indigestion. That the baby seems to think she is engaged in kickboxing match with the inside of mommy. That I look like a beached whale and feel totally un-sexy. Ugggggggggghhhhhhhhhh!

Okay, I feel a little better.

Hard to believe the baby will be here in about 3 months (I think the baby is going to come in October, the due date is Nov 1). I really can't believe I'm having another child. I so wish I had a nanny. NG is getting a new job and he will be leaving the house around 430am and arriving home around 8pm so help with the baby - not so much. : ( Actually the baby thing is not going to be so bad, it's the toddler thing that's going to drive me bonkers. When you have to watch them like a hawk and they need you every 5 seconds. I mean I just finally got to the point where I have time to myself once in a while and now look what I did. I guess I'm a masochist. LOL Maybe all of this negativity will make the reality better (you know expecting all this bad stuff and then it turns out okay - just nod and say yes).

I can't remember if I mentioned that NG got laid off, but he has been staying home with the girls for summer since paying for summer camp plus his unemployment would be almost the same as him working. He has really made a big change for the better in the girls, though it's hard for me to admit. They get along better, eat better, get more exercise and treat me better. Of course that could also be due to the fact that they don't have any influence from their Dad, who knows.

noreply@blogger.com (cassee01) — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 17:21:00 +0000

The tech is 99.9% sure I'm having a girl! Poor NG - he's way outnumbered now.

Things are still going well - surprise! But it's only been a year (can you say pessimistic polly three times really fast?) so I'm still a little anxious. I guess after what I've been through, I always will be. We did have our first serious argument not too long ago and he began to get a little out of hand, but I calmly told him that I wasn't talking to him that way and we were discussing something not fighting with an enemy and not to use foul language (he said fuck) to me or raise his voice and neither would I and he calmed right down and we had a civil discussion about our difference of opinion which we really didn't resolve then, but later. What was this contentious discussion about? The girls' eating habits (which they've learned from me shhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!). It's true, the girls don't eat very healthy. We've got little debbie cakes boxes gone in a day and snacking all day long on whatever they want and then when dinner time comes, their not hungry - surprise! They are very picky and won't try anything new and I've just sorta adjusted to the fact that we only have certain things for dinner because they won't eat anything else, or if I did fix something they didn't like, I'd make them spaghettio's or ravioli. Youngest daughter hasn't had any spaghettio's or beefaroni in about 2 months and now she's not having stomach aches all the time or her morning sickness (not really morning sickness but it did seeem like that). Both of them have lost the love handles they had and oldest acne problems seems to be quite reduced. I was quite resistant to this whole new way of eating (i.e. only healthy snacks like fruite and veggies, but they're still not eatin raw veggies yet), one snace between meals and real dinners no fast food but I have to admit the results are positive. Why was I resistant you ask? Well, it was hard to not to give in to the crying/whining about food with the girls, it was also hard for me to cut out all the junk food I ate because I didn't feel right eating it if the girls couldn't have it, plus I know how much I love it and I knew it was hard on the girls because it was hard on me. I mean imagine going from having a snack drawer filled with fudge rounds, fruit rollups, chip bags, honey buns, reece cups to only being allowed to have bananas, grapes, cantelope and kiwi? We have not cut out that stuff all together but we don't keep it in the house, instead we go do DQ and have ice creme, or we had birthday cake on Sunday. I feel like the food police sometimes and it feels weird to me because I never had limits on what I ate as a child. Luckily I was naturally thin and had a metabolism to die for (if only I still did!!!) so it never caused any problems for me, but I can see the results on the girls already. Actually youngest wasn't showing any chunkiness, but she was having stomach problems and bowel movement problems. I realize it is better for them and teaching them healthy eatings habits, but I for some reason, still feel a littel resistant, like it's too strict or something...hard to explain.

This is the rule we came up with. Dinner is dinner - eat it or leave it, but no snacks if you don't eat it. There will always be something they like at dinner (for instance chicken), but no special meals. Snacks are one time between meals and must be healthy (fruit or veggie, peanut butter/graham cracker, granola bar - no chips, little debbie cakes etc.). They are encouraged to try new things but putting a spoonful on their plate and trying it. Oldest is doing fine with this, littlest not too much. It's a struggle and I'm feelin' like the mean mom.

noreply@blogger.com (cassee01) — Tue, 19 May 2009 13:43:00 +0000

Taken from fusion

8 things I am looking forward to:
1. Going to Florida in June
2. Going to King's Island this weekend
3. The new tv
4. Having the baby (well getting it done, not the actual labor!)
5. Buying baby stuff
6. Coloring my hair after I have the baby
7. Finding out if the baby is a boy or girl
8. Staying home with the baby on maternity leave

8 things I did yesterday:
1. Worked
2. Researched Disney prices
3. Went out to eat
4. Took the girls to gymnastics
5. Confessed to a lie to NG- well a couple since they were all related
6. Emailed my 2nd cousin to check into staying at her place in FL
7. Ate, several times in fact... (copied from Fusion)
8. Straightened my hair

8 things I wish I could do:
1. Be a beach bum
2. Color my hair
3. Be tan
4. Change my daughter's dad into someone worhty of the title
5. Buy a house
6. Get a couple dogs, some cats and a horse, and maybe one of the lop eared bunnies
7. Live on a farm with farm hand to do all the work
8. Sing well

8 shows I watch:
1. Law & Order
2. Rock of Love
3. Intervention
4. American Idol
5. America's Funniest Home Videos
6. Bad Girls
7. Snapped
8. 48 Hours

noreply@blogger.com (cassee01) — Wed, 06 May 2009 17:35:00 +0000

Where has the time gone??? I can't believe I haven't posted since Easter. Things are still going pretty much along the same lines. I went to XH's parole hearing and appeared privately, he was not granted parole, but he does get another hearing in Dec. The girls went to a cheer comp in Columbus and their team got 2nd. Much fun was had.

We're trying to save money for vacation = very hard. It seems like as soon as we have some extra money something comes up (i.e. new tires, trip out of town), but I think we are going to be able to manage it.

Not much to say really, but I guess that's a good thing! Less angst less posting.

noreply@blogger.com (cassee01) — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 17:41:00 +0000

Easter was fabulous. We did the city sponsored hunt and then my friend from work had one at her house. The kids had a great time. My friend is a Martha Stewart clone. I don't know how she does it sometimes, but I'm glad she does. The kids colored eggs, egg hunt, potato sack race, spoon egg race, had a barbeque, jumped on the tramp, played on the swingset, all around just an awesome day. If it had been warmer she would have prolly let them in the hot tub LOL.

It was sort of weird not to have Easter Dinner with family. Of course, I could have made it myself, but not too interested. The girls also didn't go to church. I had asked them earlier in the week so I could get them dresses but neither wanted to go. Oldest is quite anti-dress - sortof reminds me of someone - myself! LOL littlelest loves dresses but for some reason was not interested so no easter dresses. This is the first year they haven't had them. I'm sort of conflicted about the whole church thing. I went to church until I was about 12 every sunday practically with my grandma. The girls have been sporadically. I was starting to go almost every Sunday after littlelest was born, but then when the whole XH/cousin affair thing came out, I quit. I just felt like I was in a fishbowl and everyone was watching me. Prolly all in my mind, but that was the way I felt. I didn't really go for myself, I went for my grandma and the kids. Honestly, I'm not sure what my religious feelings are...I'm pretty confused about the whole thing. For the girls, I just let them choose if they want to go or not. Little goes a lot, Oldest goes some. I don't go.

noreply@blogger.com (cassee01) — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 14:19:00 +0000

Does anyone read LawGirl or Daily Musings from my blog list? They just recently when private before I had a chance to say hey, I read you, so if you do can you let them know that I'd like to be added! LOL

On to other things. We have a cheer comp coming up soon and it looks like NG won't get to go because he has to work. : ( When I mentioned this to the girls they were sooooo bummed out. I thought maybe they would be like, cool, it's a girls weekend, but they didn't. I was kinda surprised LOL. However, it's also nice to have my thoughts about how they feel about him confirmed. Oldest almost looked like she was going to boohoo. So sweet.

Of course, I am also having some unexpected thoughts about this. Most of the time I am completely sure I am in the right with respect to their relationship with their Father. He made his bed and now he can lie in it. He made choices to get where he is and those have also affected his relationships with his daughters. I am in the process of getting documentation from the Visitation Center regarding his sporadic visitation with them as well as reviewing the emails that went back and forth regarding the girls and their activities. The truth is he had ample opportunity to participate but chose not to because he didn't want to put forth the effort. When littlest played soccer, the coach gave him a schedule. He had a schedule for the football games. Did he ever show up, no. When he did have the kids on days they were supposed to participate, he either left early or didn't even bring them. He chose to badger them for information about me when they visited him and fill their heads with emotionally damaging ideas that I loved one more than the other or didn't love them at all and that I was a bad person. For the most part, I have tried to refrain from speaking poorly about their Father, but I have had lapses here and there. It's hard to be positive about someone who damaged me like he did, but I have tried. They are not dumb, and when they ask me questions about their Dad, to lie or hide the truth. I think for a long time, I was letting the fact that he is their Dad make me think that he had the right to them, but the truth is, he doesn't have the emotional maturity to be a Father, he can't even make good decisions for himself so how can he be trusted to make good decisions for them? Not that I'm a paragon of virtue, but I think I am a pretty good mother.

I also get kinda pissed when I think about their (him and his family's) claims that I am not a good mother. I mean what do they base that on? The kids get straight A's, they participate in extracurricular activities, they go to the doctor and dentist regularly, they are clean and well dressed, they have practically every electronic gadget known to the planet, they don't get into trouble at school so they must be pretty well-behaved, they listen for the most part, they are loved, I talk to them everyday about their day and try to make sure that if they are having a problem that they can talk to me about it, I go to school events, they have friends over to spend the night, they have spectacular bday parties, I'm hardly apart from them except for work. I mean what more do they frickin want???? That's what I'd like to say to them. I know exactly what they are going to say too, we don't like the men you choose. The truth is unless he was a candidate for sainthood, they'd never be happy, and maybe not even then! I think in their mind, I should remain single until the girls are old enough to go to college. In fact, that's a belief held by more than just my crazy ex and his family, because of the whole abuse by boyfriends factor that is so prevalent in the news.

I also felt bad the other day because I heard Oldest talking about her grandma (his mother) and how they were best friends and how she slept with her when she visited her dad. I feel bad that she is not getting to see her in a way, but I also think it's best because that woman is a head gamer. I don't trust her at all. No one in my family ever really liked her at all, they thought she was a fake and sorta odd. For some reason, I never saw that until later when I stopped doing what she wanted me to do. Everything is all great and good when you're doing what she wants (whatever that may be), but god help you when you stop. She is a master manipulator and I am afraid of what she could mold oldest into. I feel sorta bad for saying this too, but I'm sorta glad that they aren't making the effort to see the girls because then they can't blame it on me. They never called to ask and therefore IMO, they are at fault. Now, if I said no, then it would be on me, but luckily, I haven't had to do that. I'm sure when the girls are older, they're going to blame it on me and probably lie and say they asked, but the truth is they didn't and that will be enough for me. Even if they do associate with the family when they are older, I'm sure eventually something will happen to show them what kind of people they really are and they will see that I did what I had to do.

noreply@blogger.com (cassee01) — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 14:41:00 +0000

Thanks for all the congratulations. It made me feel really good. It helps calm the negative nelly thing I've got goin on. I think the biggest worry I have is if NG and I don't make it, I've got another baby on my own. Truly, I think NG would always be an involved Father even if we weren't together, so what am I worried about? I don't know, I just don't like it. Why am I worried about us not making it? Because I know me, I'm doing the same thing I always do in a relationship, not making waves even when I should because I'm too afraid of conflict. I just want to get along. So, I don't mention when things bother me, I just smooth it over and ignore it until eventually I'm so full of resentment I just want to get out and away forever. What is bothering me you ask? Well, sometimes I feel like I'm doing things I don't want to do (nothing major, but it annoys me nonetheless). Yes I know we don't have any clean blankets/sheets in the house and they need washed, but I just don't feel like friggin' doing it this week! If it bothers you, do it yourself. If you were out yesterday for a couple of hours, why didn't you pick up the friggin' milk, toilet paper and soap? Why is that my responsbility? I'm at work from 8 until 430 and then I have the kids. Yes, I know you leave for work at 2 and don't get home and in bed until about 1245 or 1am. I know you get up at 730 and take the kids to school, but that leaves you 5 hours of kid free time, so really who has more time to do shit? True he does work harder than me, but you chose that profession, not me. Honestly, there is a small evil part of me that can't wait to see if he can really handle having the baby until he leaves for work every day. Yeah, it sounds doable, but honestly, I don't think he'll be able to cope with the responsiblity every day, no day off except Sat and Sun. I mean, I get home from work about 5 pm every day, that leaves about 4 hours with kids. Am I wrong to think that maybe he should have a little more responsbility than me for getting stuff done? As I've said before, it is really nice having a clean house every day with minimal effort, but sometimes I just want to veg out and not do a damn thing and that just doesn't fly in his world. Maybe I should start slipping xanax in his coffee so he can relax a little. His mentality is, he can't relax until everything he knows needs to be done is done, my mentality is, life is short, what is more important enjoying it or making sure all the clothes are washed?

Yesterday evening after I got home, I was thinking about why I haven't posted it on FB and such and I realized it's because I know X and his family use those sites to "spy" on my life. Truthfully, sometimes I think about deleting my profiles because I feel like I'm just asking for it by putting it out there. If it wasn't there, I'd be less out of their thoughts because they wouldn't "see" me or have that inkling in their mind of checking me out. Then, on the other hand, why should I have to hide? Sometimes I wonder why the mother of his first child got off so easy. I mean she did keep him from his child (which was probably pretty smart) and she did prosecute him for non-payment (not that it got any money), and they could care less about her. Probably, if I had moved to Florida, I would've gone the same (she lives out of state), but by staying here I never got that outta sight outta mind thing going on. Truthfully, I think if his Mother would have just stayed out of it, he would have went on his merry way and forgot about me, but with his mom pressing him for visiting with the girls he couldn't forget about me as easily. Now, that I've put him in jail for so long, he'll never forget. That scares me.

noreply@blogger.com (cassee01) — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 17:17:00 +0000

The stork will be visiting me in Nov. This has been confirmed by a medical doctor. Apparently, my conception date was around 2/5-2/9. I'm not sure when I began to suspect but whenever I did, I was in full panic mode. I thought I was done with the early years and now I'm going to go through it again? Will I lose my mind? This is going to ruin my vacation plans (selfish I know). What will work say? Are we ready for this? Can I handle this? I'm not ready! Help! Help! Help! Then I think of all those who want so much to have a baby and try so hard and I think why can't this happen to them? Why me? Why now? But all of that doesn't change the fact that I am having a baby. NG is ecstatic, which is a good thing because X never was really. I mean he was a little happy, but really, could've cared less. He never went to an appt, but he did do the Lamaze classes, which is hard to believe. As time has passed, I am getting more happy about it and less pessimistic, but I'd be lying if I said it's all sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes I'm happy about it, and sometimes I feel as if fate is having a good chuckle at the curve she's thrown me. I was very nervous about telling people, one because I feel at 38 I'm too old to be having a child, two because I'm not married yet. I was surprised at all the positive feedback I have to admit. It seems as if everyone thinks it is wonderful, which has helped a lot. I've told my parents, work and some friends. I have not announced it on FB or other social networking sites I participate in yet. I'm not sure why - I think I sort of feel embarrassed. Unwed mother at 38 and all. LOL Boy, did my small town baptist upbring stick. The girls are excited, which was surprising. Oldest is a little concerned that the baby will take all my attention, which is a valid concern, but I told her I would do my best to make special time for she and youngest. The truth is, I sort of felt the same way when youngest was born because I had just quit my job and went back to school, and it was messing up all my best laid plans, but it all turned out just fine and I know this will too, and I will end up thinking that it's the best thing that ever happened to me once the baby is here and I once again marvel that this is my little baby girl (yes, I'm predicting a girl, NG predicts a boy - you heard it here first LOL)

noreply@blogger.com (cassee01) — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 21:16:00 +0000

I'm so excited, I've been trying to think of something to get NG for Vday that would be something he really wants but not to expensive (because the things he really wants like one of those on wheels w/lots of cabinets tool boxes, a snow blower, new wheels for his truck are waaay to expensive for us right now) and I finally thought of it and they have one in stock, The Ron White Show. YAY for me!

I also have to admit to a little hypocrisy. NG called and asked me what I wanted to Vday. Now, truly, at least he's trying right? But really, I'd rather he put some thought of his own into it and suprise me with something I didn't even know I wanted (like I'm doing), but, I mean how many men can do that? Not many (and if your man does, I don't wanna hear about it! LOL). And even worse, how can he figure it out, if I don't even know???? Because when he asked me, I was at a loss. So, I told him a chocolate cheesecake and a card. Now that I've had time to think about it, I think I would've liked him to surprise me with some sexy lingerie. Oh well, that's the way the cookie crumbles sometimes!

I've caved and signed up the girls for a comp cheerleading team. They're uniforms are so cute! We have a bucket drop tomorrow to try and raise money for our entry fee. Our first comp is in March. We're going to take all the girls to the movies Saturday.

It's the weekend!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wooooooooooohooooooooooooo!

Oh yeah, and in regard to the carefree girl thing - what I mean is the ability to go do something w/out having to find a sitter, which is practically impossible!

noreply@blogger.com (cassee01) — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 15:21:00 +0000

I miss that carefree girl I used to be, the one that's been taken over by ms. responsible. I know that as a Mother, I can't be that person anymore, but I miss her.

noreply@blogger.com (cassee01) — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 19:46:00 +0000

They gave him a concurrent sentence. I was quite disappointed, but am pretty much over it now. The main point is that it is on record that he pleaded guilty to stalking me so if he engages in additional behaviour he will be called on it, not to mention that his parole will mandate that he has no contact with me. He is parole hearing is in March, so I gotta get busy on contacting them because that will hopefully keep him from getting parole for a while.

As I told that Judge, he's had numerous petitions filed against him by other girlfriends and his Mother, and I have no doubt that I will not be his last victim. Obviously, she didn't much care, which pisses me off. I mean you hear all this stuff about fighting domestic violence and then when they have the opportunity to do something... honestly though, I think it was because of the plea deal. If Judges stop honoring the agreements made by Prosecutor's, no one's going to take a deal because they won't be sure it will stick, I get that. But it still sucks.

Maybe he'll learn from this (doubt it).

My oldest finally got her "Big Sister", she is so excited. We met her Wed, they are supposed to go do something tonight. I'm really happy because I think this will be good for her because I know she misses my Aunt. I think this woman will be a better influence than my Aunt was for her. My youngest is bummed, but they are trying to get her one as fast as they can.

I am definitely dying my hair tonight - just looking at all this gray is bumming me out. It wouldn't be so bad, but the majority of it is in the front! If it was in the back, I wouldn't see it. LOL

noreply@blogger.com (cassee01) — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 02:21:00 +0000

Court is tomorrow. I'm really dreading it, thought I'm blocking the feelings. My therapist told me once that I'm going to be in a lot of trouble when all these feelings I block come crashing down, but I've been doing this now for almost 40 years, I don't think that's ever going to happen, I'm too good at making myself ignore them.

Things with NG are still good (knock on wood - I'm getting very superstitious in my old age). I'm a little confused about how I feel about his relationship with the girls - on one hand I feel like he's overstepping but on the other hand the girls seem more stable. Sometimes I feel like he's too hard on them, and then other times I feel like he's right, it's just very confusing for me. I think this has more to do with my own issues than what's actually going on - when my mother was with my step-dad I really resented his interference, I felt as if it was none of his business and that my mom should be making all the decisions about me. Of course, the fact that he was a raging alcoholic who abused my mom probably didn't help and NG is far from that, but there is something there that is bothering me and I'm not sure about it yet enough to discuss it.

noreply@blogger.com (cassee01) — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 14:42:00 +0000

Called yesterday to check on X's parole date. I had sent in the victime notification form, but I'm not taking any chances. They are still waiting on home confinement to provide his time served info, I guess they are taking their sweet time (YAY!!!). I told the lady that answered the phone, I hope they take as long as possible and she said, "So, I guess that means you don't want me to call and remind them.", and I said it would make my day and she laughed. Honestly, though, I am really kind of scared about what is going to happen when he gets out because I'm sure he is really pissed and we all know what happens then - teh crazy. She said I would get 45 days notice before his parole hearing date and my stuff is on file, which was another reason I called.

Things are going pretty well at casa de cassee (I hate saying that because that's just like asking for something bad to happen), but sometimes you just gotta stop being scared. I'm so tired of being scared of this that and the other. Of always worrying what people think - I really need to practice what I preach since I tell my daughter not to worry about other people all the time. Which, I try not to, but deep down I still do, even though I try to ignore it.

noreply@blogger.com (cassee01) — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 14:23:00 +0000

Well, I guess I missed National Delurking Week, but when I have I ever done anything on time anyways???? So, do your thing if you fit the bill.

noreply@blogger.com (cassee01) — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 19:06:00 +0000

I think I'm just PMSing. Everytime I think I've nailed down something about him that just doesn't work for me, he does something to negate it. I think my main problem is that I'm just looking for something, that I can't believe there is not something wrong with him somehow. After dealing with the crazies for so long, I just keep looking for it.

I was talking to my mom last night about how at night when he comes home from work, I get this big ball of nervous/anxiety even though there is no reason for it and I know where it comes from because I was so used to XH coming home from being out at night and starting a fight with me because he felt guilty about what he was doing. It was always over something mundane or even non-existent, but nonetheless stressful. So, I keep waiting for this to happen with NG. This probably is not making any sense, it's so hard to describe. One night (he works from 3-midnight shift) he came home and I was hard asleep and when he first woke me up, I think I thought he was XH and I was so afraid I almost started crying, until I realized it was NG. This all happened in mere seconds, but the heart pounding fear is overwhelming. XH has really messed me up pretty good I think. It's like because you know this craziness is possible, that you are always looking for signs of it because the person that did it before was able to hide it so well at times that you just think everyone does it.

noreply@blogger.com (cassee01) — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 21:22:00 +0000

I was talking to my mom last night and she was telling me about the relationship problems she is having and the things he has said to her and I realized that NG and I, although we really haven't had an argument per se we have had some minor disagreements, he has yet to say anything hurtful to me on purpose as the ones who have come before him have. It's been almost 10 months and not one hurtful attack. No name calling (bitch, whore, etc.). I know this should be normal, but for me, alas, it is not. There are so many positive things about this relationship, but something is holding me back a little bit. It's this thing he has that unless an idea is his (or that is how it seems to me), he has a hard time accepting it. He will, but it's quite the work to get there and I don't like it. Sometimes it even takes a couple of days before he says, you were right, you're idea is better and for some reason, it irritates the hell out of me, because until he reaches that moment it's like pulling toenails to try and get my idea across. Have I said he wants to get married? And, I have said yes, but truthfully, I'm not really sure.

noreply@blogger.com (cassee01) — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 14:02:00 +0000

I talked to NG about how I was feeling and he said all the right things, but I'm still obessessing about it. Go figure. LOL I also think it worried him a little that we might not "make it", but I really can't help that. I yam what I yam. If I was him, I would probably be annoyed, like wtf is she talking about - what does she want me to do, walk on eggshells? and I don't, I mean he should be able to tell me how he feels without me curling into a fetal ball as if I'm being attacked (I don't really do that, just mentally). It's not like he yells, or says mean things, or hurtful things like XBF - he communicates. Can you tell I'm trying to convince myself that I need to get over it? It's not working BTW, but I'm trying. Mostly it all comes down to the fact that I am living clean. What does living clean mean? That I'm not afraid when someone knocks on the door to open it so they can see how messy the house is, seriously. I'm one of those people who leave stuff lying around instead of putting it away because a)I might use it in the next hour, day, week or b)I start doing something else and "I don't have time" to mess with it right now. I think those are my main two reasons, and my kids have learned this from me. Since we have moved into the new house, we have "changed". As I said before, the girls have picked up on being neater easier, for me, it's something I have to "practice" so it's like a chore, it's not automatic for me like it is for some. I have to think about it so I don't forget. This probably sounds crazy to some people, but I have been this way for many moons. My dad just used to keep my door shut so he couldn't see it (he is a neat freak too) but now I can't do that anymore and it's HARD. Boy, I really have a problem don't I, poor me, I have to be neat. Enough whining about that.

I'm also still dreaming of possiblities. Like taking a job with the UN and moving to a foreign country with the girls. Wouldn't that be an experience for all us. I always think of these experiences I want to have, but never follow through because I'm just too conventional. But, I am thinking about it. No specific job or anything, just a general idea.

No new year plans. NG has to work until 10pm. This will be the first NY I've spent with the girls in about three years so that's good. I think I'm going to get some sparkling cider and plastic champagne glasses. They'd love that!

noreply@blogger.com (cassee01) — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 14:54:00 +0000

Christmas was great. The girls loved everything - especially their phones and the Wii. I love the Wii! It's so awesome. My oldest and I both were sore from playing tennis. LOL She also loves boxing. Finally someone she can beat up on and not get in trouble! LOL

It sucks that schools are closed this week (not for the girls I'm sure, just my pocketbook). $40 a day - I know 20 a piece isn't much to watch two girls for 8 hours but 40x3 is 120 - ugh!

Things with NG and I are good. Still. But, you knew there was a but right? Don't I always have a but? I think I'm the queen of buts sometimes! I think I'm doing it to myself, but I'm just not sure yet. It's like I feel I am being...I'm having trouble thinking of the word that describes this feeling, but an example would be when he asks me if I've done something and I feel resentment that he is asking me. What business is it of his? Then I think, well that's what a relationship is - you are sharing your life with someone and in order to do that you have to actually share it.

PAUSE

Just came back from lunch with NG. Thought of the perfect example of what I'm feeling. Last night I felt anxious because I didn't unload and reload the d/w. I don't like that I feel like I have to do things. Now, don't get me wrong, I am totally creating all of this myself. NG said nothing but I felt obligated. That's the word I was looking for - I hate feeling obligated to do anything but a relationship makes you obligated to someone else and evidently I have some kind of deep seated dislike of being obligated to anything. I think I have some kind of neurosis about it, because really, I hate being obligated period. I have trouble committing to plans in advance. I think I might need some professional help.

noreply@blogger.com (cassee01) — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 15:02:00 +0000

I can't believe Christmas is in two days! I do have most of my shopping done and a lot of the wrapping, but not all, alas. This is what I got the girls:

youngest (7)
girl crush nail set
bag with stuffed dog that you can carry around (think Paris Hilton)
girl gourmet cupcake maker
2 necklaces
earring set (3 pairs)
DVD
cell phone unlimited minutes plan
DVD player (from Santa)
track suit
jeans/two shirts

oldest (9)
girl crush nail set
pixo super studio
nano arm band
2 necklaces
earring set (3 pair)
DVD
cell phone unlimited minutes
DVD player (from Santa)
jeans
4 shirts

Both Wii from Santa and stuff in their stocking (cell phone holder, pencils, candy)

I thought this was plenty. NG wanted to get them one more sorta big present so add to that for oldest a ipod karoke/cd player/radio/stero and youngest a learning laptop. Not to mention that they are getting the following from my dad and his wife:

youngest
2 DS games
spa factor aromatherapy
board game

oldest
digital camera
zillions ATM bank
2 DS games

and more than likely clothes from them too

My mom will also be sending them each like $100 and they are getting presents from NG's family which will total about 3 each.

Personally, I think I shouldn't have got them that many gifts myself because I was going to try and cut back this year because I think it is getting out of hand. I'm curious as to what others think - is what they are getting (just from me) normal?

noreply@blogger.com (cassee01) — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 16:34:00 +0000

This article was featured today on Yahoo and I read it and I think I need to post it so in case I ever need it again, I can find it:

I recently had the following conversation with a friend:
"Every time I break up with my boyfriend, he freaks out. He showed up outside my apartment last time."
"Well sounds like you just have to break up and get it over with."
"Yeah, but it's not a good situation every time I do it."
I stopped and thought for a second. "Not a good situation?" Isn't that kind of obvious? How can anyone expect a breakup to be a good situation at all?
Breaking up is a selfish act that can be a necessary evil in your dating life. But there are easier ways to do the whole process.
More Dating Articles from Marie Claire:
Nine Signs He Is Cheating
50 Cheap Date Ideas
The first step is to adjust your mentality and recognize the situation:
You are not ruining someone's life; they will get over you some day.

If you don't break up quickly and honestly, it's unfair to you and the other person.
If you don't break up quickly and honestly, it's unfair to you and the other person.
If you are even thinking about breaking up with someone, it's probably time to do it. Would you want to be with someone who was having second thoughts while you were madly in love with them?
It's going to be ugly and there's nothing anyone can do about it.
What's the best way to break up? There is probably no best way. But there are a number of tactics that can help make it easier for both parties (even though both parties may not recognize it at the time). Here are some good tactics to use for a "clean" break:
1. Make It Fast
The longer you take to get to the point (whether it's hours or days), the less they will take you seriously. And if you make it look like you're having a hard time going through with the breakup, they will think they can change your feelings or stick around in your life.
2. Be Honest
Don't sugarcoat the situation. If you're seeing someone else, tell them you're seeing someone else. My little sister broke up with a live-in boyfriend because she kissed another guy during a business trip. She told her boyfriend the deal -- it made it more concrete. Avoid cliche's like "I love you, I'm just not in love with you." Guys don't understand this stuff. If you've lost feelings for them, just say it. They can't argue with that. And avoid covering up -- "I just can't be in a relationship right now." Sure you can -- if you were still really into him, you'd be in a relationship with him.
Honesty will protect you in the long run, because the truth comes out eventually.
Honesty will protect you in the long run, because the truth comes out eventually.
3. Don't Feel Sorry for Anyone
People will beg, cry, get angry, or shower you with guilt. Just keep going, try to ward off your guilt. It's just going to slow you down and prevent you from getting to your objective. And never take someone back, or cancel breaking up because you feel sorry for them. Do you really want to stay with someone you feel sorry for?
4. Set Post-Breakup Rules
Let them know the deal: you won't be answering their calls or emails. You won't be accommodating them if they show up at your apartment. Eventually, if they have any personality and independence, they will stop bothering you -- but only if you stick to these rules. If you lay these rules out at the time of breakup, then they can't say: "why are you ignoring my calls?" Don't tell them what they are allowed to do -- they can call you all they want, but if you have stated you won't be answering their calls then you are well within your rights when you don't pick up.
5. Stick With It
The more you take them back, the less seriously they'll take your breakup attempts.
6. Neutral Site
Never do it at your place. You want to be able to leave on your own time. Neutral places are the easiest locations to make a quick getaway. The longer you've been together, the more likely it is that you'll be required to do it in person.
Breaking up takes strength. I have found that people who can't break up with someone they are no longer into are somewhat weak. Do what you want to do, and don't get swayed by the situation or the other person.
Reprinted with permission of Hearst Communications, Inc.
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noreply@blogger.com (cassee01) — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 21:42:00 +0000

Another mark in the he might be a good guy column (this will probably sound silly to those who have never experienced super insecure men): the Xmas tree is shedding copious amounts of needles, if I try to vacumn behind the tree I just knock more down. I had asked a guy I work with if I could borrow his dirt devil. I told NG that I was borrowing it to clean around the tree and I didn't hear "Oh really, who is Jason" or "Why is he letting you borrow that?" or "Why didn't you ask someone else?" or any of the other myriad of questions I might have gotten from FKGG or XH. This tiny little thing made me feel so good. Weird I know! LOL

I can't even begin to tell you the difference in the girls and my life due to NG. Although in truth I was having quite a lot of resistance in my mind to some of things he suggested, I tried it and it has paid off in spades. What is this new concept? Consistency - something that I have avoided all my life either on purpose or not. I have a real problem with being consistent about anything. I've always been about last minute, procrastination, go with the flow, no planning kinda girl. For a single gal, it works. For children, I think it is a recipe for distaster. They need stability, consistency and routine, and structure. Things I have avoided all my life like the plague. The girls have taken to this like a duck to water, me I'm really struggling but I'm trying and that is the best I can do. Not to say that it went smoothly, the girls had a big adjustment period and there were some blowouts but the end result has been happier kids which is always a good thing.